greenthumbdanny
01-29-2007, 08:56 AM
Foundations of Ladder Theory
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
Before we get to the core of the ladder theory let's introduce a few lemmas.
Lemma 1:Every time you meet someone you give them a quick mental rating. Just how this is done is based on your sex, like so:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/manrating.jpg
It should be noted that this is not an entirely conscious process. To make it clear here's an illustrative example of what really happens:
* Bob Meets Jane
* Then Bob Meets Connie
Now the ladder theory description goes like this:
1. Bob Meets Jane
2. Bob sizes her up based on the above criterion
3. Bob puts her on the ladder
4. Bob meets Connie
5. Bob sizes her up based on the above criterion
6. Bob puts her on the ladder above Jane
You can recognize this has gone on because Bob says " I'd like to fuck Jane, but not as much as I want to fuck Connie"
I think that everyone has heard this or something like it enough times for us to accept it as axiomatic and move on. You might be thinking, " Well what about Jane and Connie?" We'll get to them next.
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The Rating System: A Short Aside
The graphs on the previous page were not thrown together arbitrarily--they represent years of field testing. I say this because this is invariably the section I take the most flak for. Although almost all guys who have not had the manhood stripped out of them know this intuitively. As far as intellectual whores can determine, the average female bitch has a rating system that works like this:
Woman's Rating Graph
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/manrating.jpg
So the breakdown looks like:
Money and Power: 50%
Attraction: 40%
Things Women Say They Care About But Do Not: 10%
(this includes intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, sensitivity etc. )
As to the first point, that of money. Well most guys know that women dig guys with money. Would Donald Trump be fucking models if he wasn't rich? That question is rhetorical. Now I don't even believe this is wrong, I think it is just nature. But I also think women who are this way (and it is almost all of you) should be honest and admit that they are basically whores, and stop saying bad things about the so-called "actual whores" who are just trying to earn an honest living.
Most women read this and say something like, "Well I'm not the average woman because..blah...blah...not true...blah blah...my boyfriend/lover/husband/masseuse was poor...blah...blah."
If you thought something like this you are very likely the average woman. If you read it and went "Hmmm..." and then you went back to doing physics, then you have a case.
Looks are not to be discounted. I see many girls revert to about a seventh grade emotional level when they see some guy at the club, or some guy from a crappy movie. I think everyone has seen this phenomena, and it seems to have become an alarming trend in women of increasing age.
The attraction category is broken down further in the next section. This is a change from previous versions of the ladder theory that included looks here instead of attraction. I feel this is a more accurate depiction, as evidenced by experiment and peer review.
The last 10% was my effort to give women the benefit of the doubt. A common question men ask of women is "Tell me what you want in a man?", which is like asking how many guys she's slept with, an invitation to be lied to. Because she'll almost invariably answer with some combination of
* sense of humor
* intelligence
* sensitivity
* emotional stability
As far as I can tell this is mostly rubbish. But in an effort to be fair I have included this, since there seem to be a few rare cases of this. Just none that I have ever seen.
Another thing to watch out for is the code words women use. Here is a translation guide for dealing with women.
Says: I want a man who is motivated and has goals.
Means: I want a rich man
Says: I want a man who knows how to treat a woman.
Means: I want a rich man
Says: He's from a really good family.
Means: He's from a really rich family.
I'm sure you get the point. Let's move on.
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http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
Deconstructing the Woman's Pie Chart
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanrating.jpg
It was previously thought that the pie chart was fundamental. New advances in Ladder Theory have brought us to a more complete understanding. We have made new advances in the inner structure of the woman's rating system and now present it here.
First let's look at the rating system in Classical Ladder Theory
Classical Rating System
Now this is a fairly accurate description, and is essentially accurate. It misses a number of fine points. By defining the 40% block as "looks" the theory had originally assumed that looks were influenced by factor's other than just phyical attraction. For example, a guy who is a complete asshole to a woman seems to somehow look better to them. It soon became apparent from peer review that the term looks was inappropriate and has been replaced by the more accurate "attraction". The new chart then looks like this.
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
New Rating System
Previously it had been assumed that looks was fundamental. That is, that it could not be broken down any further, and that a score was assigned based on whatever biological principles made women attracted to men. Through extensive research we have been able to discern the inner structure of attraction. A chart will illustrate a very close approximation of the inner structure of attraction for the female. Commentary to follow.
The Attraction Breakdown
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/attraction.jpg
Physical Attraction/Looks - This is still a big factor in attraction. This is self-explanatory.
Competition - I almost titled this section disinterest. The two are closely related. We can only pursue what runs away from us. A man who is devoted to something else besides the woman is autmatically more attractive. Any intellectual whore who has ever listened to a girl complain about how her boyfriend-ran-off-with-a-**** or how her boyfriend-is-really-not-dumb-he's-just-streetsmart-and-he- has-to-sell-weed-to-support-his-baby's-mama or he's-really-nice-even-though-he-ignores-me-and-hits-me-sometimes-but-you-don't- know-what-he's-like-when-we're-alone or he's-not-emotionally-available-that's-why-I-like-talk-to-you-until-it's-time-to-go-fuck-him while he himself is sitting right there and would like nothing better than to be with her but of course is sitting solidly on the friends ladder knows this intuitively. Ultimately, almost all guys learn this truth for themselves: The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her.
Women seem to especially like it if you are more devoted to your bad music, biker gang, forearm tattoo or marijuana. These all seem to work wonders. There are some interests you can show in a woman that will help you to fuck her: a healthy interest in destroying her self-esteem and in fucking her friends more than her seem to work wonders. Note that the following topics of disinterest have been field tested and shown conclusively not to work: Unix, literature, poetry, international politics, and sodomy.
Novelty - Let's face it, if you're like every other guy who works a normal job and tries to live a good life, you're probably like just about every other guy. Chicks don't dig this, and why would they? Who wants someone who is just like everyone else? Something different is more attractive. Like someone who does not have to work during the day like most people because they have lots of money from business or selling drugs. Or like someone who has stabbed a man and went to prison for it. Different and a veritable ticket to getting laid.
Deconstructing money/power
"Power is a great aphrodesiac" - Notorious Asshole and War Criminal Henry Kissinger
"A woman's test is material. A man's test is a woman...if a man could fuck in a cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house." - Rabbi Dave Chappelle
It was previously assumed that money was a fundamental unit of attraction to a woman. Further investigation has revealed a better understanding of this very important piece of the woman's rating system. The piece which was formerly labelled money has been replaced by a money/power paradigm. The two are almost always intertwined in a way that makes them hard to distinguish, so I don't think it productive to make a chart of how they breakdown exactly. One almost always follows the other in any case.
What is important to know about the money/power piece is that previously it was thought of as static. Now we know that the money/power piece of attraction displays time-variance. That is, the amount of money needed to get maximal "points" in the money category varies according to the age of the woman. When a woman is younger her perspective is different as to what makes a lot of money. As she gets older the amount of money neccessary for full points increases.
For a girl of 16 full points for money might be obtained by having access to a car and beer money. When she is in her early college years, a nicer car and enough money to join a fraternity is probably sufficient. As she advances into her twenties what we consider to be the normal money chart will begin to manifest itself -- that is, she'll want the richest man she can get.
At no point that we can discern does money ever not become a factor. Take any guy. Take a woman that has that guy. In no circumstance that is known would she not rather have a guy just like that, but with more money. Actually, maybe in one circumstance -- when the guy has enough money to buy her basically everything she wants. This is self-evident, I should think.
Dreams of a Final Theory
I think is very very close to a final analysis of how a woman's rating system works. If you are very attractive, rich, and novel and show no interest in her she is almost guaranteed to want to fuck you. Indeed, isn't this the very definition of Alpha Male? In this way we have derived from our theoretical framework an idea that agrees with observation and experiment to many degrees of accuracy. It also provides a frameowrk for the Logic. Strive to be attractive, novel and aloof and you will go far.
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Construction of the Ladder
Now for the core of the theory. Since everyone you meet has a rating, it is only natural to stack them up on a ladder. Let's look at the ladder of some example man.
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/mansladder.jpg
So it should be self-evident, if you are following this at all, that the people you want to have sex with the most will be at the top of the ladder. Descending down to the bottom of the ladder we pass the following people:
1. The people we really want, who may even be out of our league, are on top
2. Then come the people we like
3. Moving further down we pass the people who we would fuck if we were intoxicated and would admit to doing it later.
4. At the bottom are the people we would fuck drunk, and would lie about doing it later.
Clinging to the bottom are the girls that are wolf ugly. These are women so ugly you would chew your own arm off to get away rather than fuck them. Usually fake teeth, or the loss of several hundred pounds can move a woman up from wolf ugly.
Now let's take a look at what the typical woman's ladder looks like:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womansladder.jpg
The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one ,but two ladders. This is becasue in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.
The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap between these two ladders. It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder. The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder. If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss(what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.
To fully illustrate the point I'll now examine some common scenarios and their ladder theory explanations. For purposes of these examples Tom will be our boy and Jane will be out girl.
Scenario 1: Tom meets Jane. She's pretty and seems interesting to talk to. Tom and Jane start haging out and talking more and more. Tom develops an attraction to Jane, and one day tries to kiss her. Jane tell Tom she doesn't think of him that way and she wants to remain friends. The next few weeks contact between the two falls off. Jane starts fucking an outlaw biker.
Ladder Theory Explanation: Tom met Jane. Tom was immediately placed on the friends ladder. Tom didn't know this. Tom tried to jump ladders. Jane kicked Tom in the head rather than let him on and sent him hurtling to the Abyss below. The oulaw biker was not on her friends ladder (they never are) but rather on her good ladder.
Scenario 2: Tom meets Jane. She's cute and seems smart. After an appropriate amount of time he asks her out on a date. She acccepts and they have what seems to be a perfectly nice date. Tom thinks he has a chance with Jane. He asks her out again. She says no, either explicitly or by never returning his phone call. Tom has no idea what the Hell just happened. Jane starts fucking an unemployed alcoholic.
Ladder Theory Explanation: Jane misrepresented which ladder Tom was on. He thought he was on the good ladder because of her acceptance of the date. Mistake. This led to an unintentional ladder jump. He was kicked into the Abyss. In this situation, Jane often wants to stay friends becasue you are so interesting and funny or some shit like that. If this happens you are most likely an Intellectual Whore. I'm sorry. This is most likely to be a ninja-bitch.
Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:
* "You're like a brother to me"
* "You're like a big teddy bear"
* "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
* "You're so nice"
* "Can you help me with my homework"
Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.
You can see that a lot of problems can be avoided(though sadly not problem two) by declaring as soon as possible to a girl that you will not be friends under any circumstances. You can explain that she is too attractive or you can be blunt and say you don't want to bend your "friends" over a table and fuck them, but would rather play poker and go to the races with them, thus disqualifying her from friendship. As long as you are clear. This may scare a girl away. But if it does what would you want with such a skittish little twit anyway?
Next we'll explore some of the consequences of the ladder and applications in every day life.
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Hidden Variables in the Ladder
The Ladder Theory is assumed to be correct for all classical phenomena. There do seem to be some "hidden" variables that modify the Ladder to some extent. These variables do not affect the rating system, nor do they affect the fundamental theorems of the Ladder. They do, however, modify how we act with regard to the Ladder.
These are the hidden variables that have been identified.
Religiosity:
While most people, even people who believe in God, will have sex before they are married and thus fall under the rules of the ladder, some people are so religious they will not have sex until they are married. This is of course a silly and anachronistic practice, but it does occur. In this case, the Ladder should me modified as follows: change instances of 'would have sex with' to be 'would like to have sex with.' This works because while religious people have the same impulses, they choose to deny them as opposed to embracing them.
Drunkenness:
Of course when drunk we do things we wouldn't do otherwise. Usually when sobriety sets in, there is a return to the tenets of the ladder theory. In most cases, it should be noted, repressed Americans use being drunk as an excuse to do what they wanted to do anyway, so one should be very careful in applying this variable. For example, I'm drunk as I type this, but I would have typed it anyway, even though I might fall back on that excuse if there are a lot of typos in there or it doens't stand up to peer review. Do not let me get away with this.
Loyalty:
A lot of people have asked about the significant others of friends and if they are special cases of the Ladder. They are not. These are not your friends. These are virtual friends. For example, a friend of mine is fucking a girl. I like her, she's great, we get along, etc... But when they break up she is dead to me. Or if the friend leaves the picture the normal rules of the Ladder apply. So are we really friends? Of course not. We are conditional friends. This does not affect where she goes on the Ladder. Think of it like this: the Ladder is a rating system, and I'll rate her along with everyone else based on how much I would like to fuck them. A note for guys: if your friends girl offers you a piece you should hit that shit, because he shouldn't be laying up with no ho. Ideally you should tape it also, because most guys will believe the person they're fucking.
Desperation:
What desperation does is shift downward the line of quality that one would consider for fucking. There is a line on the ladder that is the quality of the last person you were fucking. Since one of the purposes of life, if not the purpose, is to move up the ladder, you want someone above this line. Sometimes you can't find someone above this line. This leads to a virtual shift in the line downward as one gets more and more in need of a fuck. But in terms of what a person wants, nothing changes -- you'd leave your desperation fuck for someone else with the requisite ladder attributes.
Hidden Variables and Sanity
Note that all known hidden variables are indicative of an altered consciousness of some kind. At the 'limit of sanity' the Classical ladder's rating system still applies. So I don't feel that these change the core theory, but explain times when the theory is not able to be applied because your perception is wrong.
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Back to the Beginning: Yes Virginia, They All Want to Bang You.
You'll note that a man has one ladder while a female has two. The man is lacking a "friends ladder." The man's ladder reflects the conventional wisdom that a man generally only wants one thing. That's because the conventional wisdom is correct. This leads us back to the conclusion that many women I have explained this to find so distasteful:
IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS
Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:
1. The guy is gay
2. The guy does not find you attractive.
3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder
Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criterion on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:
1. Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.
2. Comply
Remember this only works if you are honest with yourself. Number one is of course something that guys hear all the time. Intellectual Whores refers to it as the Kiss of Death. It is more likely that he will jump you eagerly.
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Consequences of the Ladder
Toward a Meaning of Life
Convieniently, the ladder theory answers the oft asked question, "What is the purpose of life?" The purpose of life is to move up the ladder. The person you are with now should be better (higher on your ladder) than the person you were last with. Okay it's not perfect but if you have no direction in life, trying to fuck hotter and hotter chicks or richer and richer guys is as good a place as any to start. In addition to giving a good base toward a meaning of life there are a few other things that ladder theory explains.
Topping out the Ladder:
Have you ever seen a guy that was not particularly attractive, rich or muscled yet was with a lovely woman? For most guys the most common reaction is envy, something like "Hey I'm not all that muscled, attractive or rich either. Why can't I be fucking a girl like that?" We at intellectual whores used to feel this way about "stump factor" as well. But then ladder theory was discovered and we realized that it was more rational to pity this man.
Ladder theory tells us that the purpose of life is to move up the ladder. When their relationship ends, he will probably never be able to get another woman as good as the one he is with right now -- the rest of his life he'll likely be striving in vain. In effect, he's doomed the whole rest of his life to meaninglessness unless he marries this girl. This of course is just trading one type of doom for another.
Ladder Disparity
The ladder is obviously a two-way process. When Bob meets Jane he puts her on his ladder and she puts him on her ladder. It often happens that one person is a lot higher on your ladder than you are on theirs, or vice versa. The leads to a situation that looks like this:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/disparity.jpg
Disparity Diagram Notice that Bob has Jane very low while Bob is very high on Jane's ladder. He is most likely rich and she is most likely ugly. Anyhow this is a classic case of disparity. If we connect the two points we can make a right triangle. The resulting hypotenuse "c" is the magnitude of the disparity.
Common shorthand among ladder thoerists is "Well, she caught him fucking a stewardess and didn't leave him but what do you expect for a level 5 disparity." The position of being high on someone else's ladder while having them low on yours is referred to as being in the "upper" or "power" position. This is good and leads to different things depending on who is in the power position.
If the man is in the upper position the disparity is a measure of how long the woman will put up with him cheating, using her physically without committing, or paying his rent and all his bills.
If the woman is in the power position then it is a measure of how much the man will spend money on her, fetch her things at midnight, and listen to stories about other guys she is fucking.
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Manifestations of the Ladder
Classical Ladder Theory admittedly treats relationships as binary, in the sense of sex or not-sex. There are in-between cases, which I feel the Ladder addresses. In this section we will take some common scenarios and see how they are explained within the framework of ladder theory. The first two, cuddle bitches and friends with benefits, were proposed in an email I received so I have dealt with them first.
On Cuddle Bitches
Cuddle Bitches
cuddle bitch(n) - a guy who never gets to sleep with a girl but gets to have intimate moments with her like cuddling, spooning, or otherwise being affectionate. Usually this will occur in private. She probably considers him a really sweet guy, which is the kiss of death.
First off, cuddle bitches are bad, bad things to be. Maybe the worst thing to be. I mean, being an Intellectual Whore is bad, but being an Intellectual Whore who has to endure blue-balls is bordering on criminal.
As to how it fits into the framework of the ladder.
Basically this is just a guy who has a very high position on the friends ladder. So far up the friends ladder that he gets the dubious honor of getting to provide all the intimacy that a girl is missing when she's off fucking guys who basically don't care about her like outlaw bikers and band members. So he gets to be the proxy father/confessor/friend/teddy bear for her, depending on what she is missing at the time. Perhaps the only consolation of this is a ladder jump to the real ladder seems statistically a little more likely to succeed. Of course, when one is that high up the fall is dreadful indeed....
How do we know this? Well, if a woman had a nice loving boyfriend then he would be doing all the cuddling and whatnot and likely wouldn't stand for a woman maintaining a stable of cuddle bitches. Unless he's completelty pussified, in which case she's likely fucking some other people anyway.
For guys unacquainted with Ladder Theory, it is even worse. The cuddle bitch often thinks he is on the good ladder as opposed to the real ladder. So he gets all excited about his position instead of realizing he is being completely used. So this poor tool is really setting himself up for a fall at that point.
Note: This does not apply if cuddling under the influence of mushrooms, for the express purposes of avoiding hypothermia, or if the woman is a whore that you've recently paid for sex. Cuddling is perfectly acceptable and probably non-sexual in these circumstances.
Friends With Benefits:
This is the case where you get to sleep with a woman or have some sort of intimate physical relations without any sort of committment.
All we can say to this situation is: bravo! This is the optimal condition to be in--with as many women as possible.
A lot of people try to use this condition as a criticism of ladder theory, so I'll state again here that this fits perfectly in the framework of ladder theory. A woman has two ladders, but the second one is the 'guys I would have sex with' ladder, NOT the 'relationship ladder.' So 'friends with benefits' is a complete fucking misnomer, since you are not actually 'friends', you are quite more than that. The Ladder Theory only states what makes a woman want to have sex with a man, it does not take the puerile view that women don't want to have sex, or that they have to be somehow tricked into it. If you are a 'friend with benefits', then you are on the Real Ladder. Congratulations. If you get replaced, you haven't been demoted ladders, you have merely been replaced by someone higher than you on the Real Ladder.
That being said, usually women are more interested in long-term relationships than men, and consent to this form of relationship because there is ladder disparity in favor of the male. A lot of women say that they are just having sex, they like it as much as men etc... While the second statement is undoubtedly exaggerated, there is no reason to think that women don't want to have sex just as much as men. Which if course only makes it worse if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you.
Of Female Footstools
Judging by the amount of mail I have gotten about it, a LOT of guys are using the tactic of making friends with the less-than-attractive friend of a girl they want to fuck in order to score points with the girl higher up the ladder. I have never found this to work very well for me personally, but it does not require an addendum to the Theory, and can be explained within the framework of Classical Ladder Theory.
Let us call the woman you are using to score points with the woman you want to fuck the 'footstool.' The woman you are trying to fuck we will call the 'target.'
There are two basic situations here. One is that you would fuck the footstool. This is the easiest one. If you would fuck them then you're not really friends. The other is that you wouldn't fuck the footstool. If we look at the ways that men can have female friends we find if you wouldn't fuck them or if you are fucking someone better. In this case the target is by definition better, or else the target would be the footstool. So the whole thing is explained by the Ladder Theory already. Of course the very idea of calling someone you are merely using to fuck someone else a 'friend' is a little ridiculous also.
One interesting thing about footstools is it is about as close as a woman can usually get to knowing what it is like to be an intellectual whore.
Exes
Exes are not a special case in the ladder. Usually when someone gets broken up with it's because the other person thinks they can do better on the Ladder. Or already has. If you didn't think you could do better why would you leave the one you were with?
The usual pattern for exes is to try to be friends, realize it's not going to really work, and then become more and more distant toward each other over time. In any case, if you continue to fuck for a while, then you continue to fuck. You wouldn't have had a relationship with them if they were not on the real ladder, so if it's convienient there's really no reason not to.
If you are friends, then the normal rules of how men and women can be friends applies. But it should be said, that many exes try to be friends because it seems like some shit they should do, when in reality one of them is hoping they will get back together or at least continue to fuck.
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Answers to Common Criticisms
Criticism:You're just bitter.
Answer:Maybe I am. But ladder theory made me that way, my bitterness did not make ladder theory. Attack the theory, not the person behind it. And why does everyone always say I'm bitter just because 99.999% of chicks are bitches?
Criticism:I have lots of male friends who would never think of me that way blah blah blah.
Answer:Your friend doesn't find you attractive, or he's currently doing better, or he's gay or you're wrong.
Criticism:That's not true
Answer:Yes it is.
Criticism:So a woman is a bad person just because she won't sleep with you? Don't you hang out with people you don't want to sleep with? Are women supposed to just fuck every guy who wants to fuck them so they won't be bitches?
Answer:Yes, I hang out with people I don't want to sleep with, but they're all people who don't want to sleep with me either. So there's equity. It's not that I think women are bad people for not wanting to sleep with me. It's moreso that:
1. I have plenty of friends already
2. I will never be able to truly be friends with them because my perspective will be colored by my desire to sleep with them
3. If they are not cool then they are probably just attractive and why would i want to hang out with them if they won't sleep with me? If they are cool then the desire to sleep with them will only intensify the more I hang out with them so I am really only torturing myself emotionally to hang out with them and pretend that that is all I want. Why would I or any guy want to put himself through that?
Criticism:Do you expect to get laid when you have this whole site devoted to how much you hate women?
Answer:First off, this is a forum for my narcissism. As to hatred of women -- if that's what you think then you are clearly projecting your guilt about being a bitch onto me. Not a single woman who wasn't a bitch has ever complained about misogyny at this site. I can prove this on an abacus.
Criticism:In the section on ladder disparity you make reference to the 'hypotenuse.' The ladders however, are metaphorical constructs, and are not a defined distance apart from each other so this term is misleading.
Answer:It seems that way at first, but that's because you have failed to understand the topology of Ladder Space, which should of course should be so obvious that a formal proof is not required. Idiot.
Criticism:You must have been terribly hurt, or had a terrible relationship with your mom or [insert pseudo-Freudian amateur psycho-babble analysis here]
Answer:See my answer to the first criticism. Also, why doesn't anyone ever assume that my mother was so great that I have never yet found a woman to live up to her standard and thus became bitter?
Criticism:You must have too much time on your hands, and you must not be getting laid, to write all this stuff. Lighten up, and [insert one of: grow up, get laid, or get a life.]
Answer:Depends on my mood.
For a good mood: Who says I don't get laid? For all you know I've only had 4 rejections in 25 years. Not bad on the whole. Also, I'm just presenting the world as I see it. I never said I was angry that women all want rich guys. Indeed, it gives me an incentive to save money. To the contrary I don't have enough time. Like Keats, I am afraid my pen, or keyboard as the case may be, will not have time to glean my teeming brain before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Assuming you are correct, though, how would that change the ladder theory?
For a bad mood: Right, some kind of life it must be if you're spending time writing missives about the virtues of women friends to guys who have websites. You obviously got married too soon or are a pussy whipped little bitch who knows he can't pull off what women really want so you spin these little defensive theories about how you should be nice and sweet and kind, and I'm sure it occasionally gets you some very boring women. As for me, I'll be partying with a couple of hookers who are VERY honest about what they want and suck a good dick. Just please raise your mewling little brats not to talk in movie theatres, and not to bother people trying to do something creative with their snivelling.
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Answers to Common Criticisms
Criticism:You're just bitter.
Answer:Maybe I am. But ladder theory made me that way, my bitterness did not make ladder theory. Attack the theory, not the person behind it. And why does everyone always say I'm bitter just because 99.999% of chicks are bitches?
Criticism:I have lots of male friends who would never think of me that way blah blah blah.
Answer:Your friend doesn't find you attractive, or he's currently doing better, or he's gay or you're wrong.
Criticism:That's not true
Answer:Yes it is.
Criticism:So a woman is a bad person just because she won't sleep with you? Don't you hang out with people you don't want to sleep with? Are women supposed to just fuck every guy who wants to fuck them so they won't be bitches?
Answer:Yes, I hang out with people I don't want to sleep with, but they're all people who don't want to sleep with me either. So there's equity. It's not that I think women are bad people for not wanting to sleep with me. It's moreso that:
1. I have plenty of friends already
2. I will never be able to truly be friends with them because my perspective will be colored by my desire to sleep with them
3. If they are not cool then they are probably just attractive and why would i want to hang out with them if they won't sleep with me? If they are cool then the desire to sleep with them will only intensify the more I hang out with them so I am really only torturing myself emotionally to hang out with them and pretend that that is all I want. Why would I or any guy want to put himself through that?
Criticism:Do you expect to get laid when you have this whole site devoted to how much you hate women?
Answer:First off, this is a forum for my narcissism. As to hatred of women -- if that's what you think then you are clearly projecting your guilt about being a bitch onto me. Not a single woman who wasn't a bitch has ever complained about misogyny at this site. I can prove this on an abacus.
Criticism:In the section on ladder disparity you make reference to the 'hypotenuse.' The ladders however, are metaphorical constructs, and are not a defined distance apart from each other so this term is misleading.
Answer:It seems that way at first, but that's because you have failed to understand the topology of Ladder Space, which should of course should be so obvious that a formal proof is not required. Idiot.
Criticism:You must have been terribly hurt, or had a terrible relationship with your mom or [insert pseudo-Freudian amateur psycho-babble analysis here]
Answer:See my answer to the first criticism. Also, why doesn't anyone ever assume that my mother was so great that I have never yet found a woman to live up to her standard and thus became bitter?
Criticism:You must have too much time on your hands, and you must not be getting laid, to write all this stuff. Lighten up, and [insert one of: grow up, get laid, or get a life.]
Answer:Depends on my mood.
For a good mood: Who says I don't get laid? For all you know I've only had 4 rejections in 25 years. Not bad on the whole. Also, I'm just presenting the world as I see it. I never said I was angry that women all want rich guys. Indeed, it gives me an incentive to save money. To the contrary I don't have enough time. Like Keats, I am afraid my pen, or keyboard as the case may be, will not have time to glean my teeming brain before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Assuming you are correct, though, how would that change the ladder theory?
For a bad mood: Right, some kind of life it must be if you're spending time writing missives about the virtues of women friends to guys who have websites. You obviously got married too soon or are a pussy whipped little bitch who knows he can't pull off what women really want so you spin these little defensive theories about how you should be nice and sweet and kind, and I'm sure it occasionally gets you some very boring women. As for me, I'll be partying with a couple of hookers who are VERY honest about what they want and suck a good dick. Just please raise your mewling little brats not to talk in movie theatres, and not to bother people trying to do something creative with their snivelling.
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Musical Intonations of Ladder Theory
These are some songs that seem to represent Ladder Theory well. intellectualwhores.com takes no responsibility for the
quality of these songs. Some of them pretty much suck. But they illustrate the theme.
All of these songs are available for download at the intellectualwhores ftp site(ssssshhhhhh....don't tell the RIAA). Instructions can be found here
Sam Kinison - "The Bitch Song"
Just listen to it. It's fucking funny.
Cake - "Friend is a 4 Letter Word"
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd,
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me
I'm really only praying that
The words you'll soon be saying
Might betray, the way you feel about me
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
Jets To Brazil - "Starry Configurations"
starry configurations am just a receiver
divine recombinations am just a recordist
receptionist - unhappy medium
receptionist - unhappy medium
excellent accommodations am just a bellboy
beautiful surroundings am just some gravel
or peat moss, what have you
or peat moss, what have you now?
why must you treat me like you do?
don't you know it's all for you
dear infatuation, you do not see me
die here beside you in see-through obscurity
governess, fancy less, we'll sound the alarm
and drum up some simpleton for you
to eat these apples from your eyes
emptiness fills room
your love's bud goes full bloom
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive
storybook ending am just a ledger
hardly worth a mention or the paper
it's written on and cried upon
and kissed once by wax
but still you treat me like you do
with everything I've done for you
striking like a bird of prey along your notepad now
the only year that turns your way
my dear diary: it's just you and me tonight
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me tonight
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?
Declan MacManus (Elvis Costello) performed by Paul McCartney
- "The Lovers That Never Were"
I Have Always Needed Somebody Girl,
But I Close The Doors To Keep Out The World.
But For You, I Would Be Here All Alone,
Locked In A Photograph.
All Of The Clocks Have Run Down.
Lover Beware.
We'll Be The Lovers That Never Were.
I Hang Patiently On Every Word You Send.
Will We Ever Be Much More Than Just Friends?
As For You, You Sit There Playing This Game,
You Keep Me Waiting
When All Of The Clocks Have Run Down,
All Over The World.
We'll Be The Lovers That Never Were.
For As Long As The Sun Shines In Somebody's Eyes
, I Believe In You Baby, So Don't Tell Me Lies.
For As Long As The Trees Throw Down Blossoms And Leaves,
I Know There Will Be A Parade Of Unpainted Dreams.
And I Know Dear, How Much It's Going To Hurt
If You Still Refuse To Get Your Hands Dirty.
So You, You Must Tell Me Something,...I Love You,
Say Goodbye Or Anything.
All Of The Clocks Have Run Down.
Time's At An End.
If We Can't Be Lovers We'll Never Be Friends.
For As Long As The Sun Shines In Somebody's Eyes,
I Believe In You Baby, So Don't Tell Me Lies.
For As Long As The Trees Throw Down Blossoms And Leaves,
I Know There Will Be A Parade Of Unpainted Dreams.
A Perfect Circle - "3 Libras"
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
DMX - "What These Bitches Want"
Aiyyo, I think about when a ***** didn't have (YEAH)
and a ***** told a joke, and the bitches didn't laugh
See now I do the math, I see if you got this
and this and this to some cats, that *****'s the shit (aight?)
And that's all they fuckin with, but see these bitches don't know
If these bitches ain't for real, these bitches don't go
Knock on door, no show, I'm sleep tryin to creep
wit yo' best friend, put it in, dig deep
Frank Sinatra (Russ Columbo) - "Just Friends"
Just friends
Just friends
Lovers no more
Just friends
But not like before
To think of what we've been
And not to kiss again
Seems like pretending
It isn't the ending
Two friends
Drifting apart
Two friends
But one broken heart
We loved we laughed we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends
We loved we laughed and we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends
Kool Mo Dee - "They Want Money"
I'm drivin'
Benz 190
2.5 and you know where to find me
Driving down the highway
Girlies behind me
Jockin' blindly
No need to remind me
Who I am I know you know me
Stop screamin' and yellin' and pointin' I'm low key
No I ain't got no time for a picture
But slide your number
And I'll get wit ya
You wanna ride
Ya shouldn't of said that
You played yourself
And I know where your head's at
Drive my car don't make me laugh
You better settle for an autograph
Or a hug and a kiss on the cheek maybe
But I ain't trying to make no baby
Forget all the silly rumors you heard
Here's the deal so spread the word
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
And I can see'em a mile away
And when they push up
I just smile and say
Back up off me
Smell the coffee
You're screamin' and plottin'
And I'm killing you softly
Watchin' you melt from the second I kiss ya
Hear dollar signs in your careless whispers
I know the game it's old and lame
You're holdin' a flame for my name and my fame
Livin' like Givens schemin' on Tyson
But she got lucky cause he was a nice one
But I ain't nice and I don't play that
If it ain't tax I don't pay that
You think you're in cause you turn me on
Here one minute and the next you're gone
I made rhymes
I made cash
Why get married and you take half
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
The police I'm givin' them fits
A young brother in a Benz legit
I don't sell no drugs and take no shh
Park my ride and the ladies hit
So many ladies the cops had a hint
They took me in cause they thought I pimped
Jetted from the station back in a flash
They had nothing on me but cold cold cash
Ladies they all wanna get with
The man with the money
So they wanna get with
The microphone master
And ride shotgun
So people can see ya
And think I got one
No sorry nothin's happenin'
Moe Dee's single while he's rappin'
If girls keep lyin' and crashin' my party
Ya'll gonna make me hurt somebody
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
Cake - "Italian Leather Sofa"
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's a good man.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as she still has her friends.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she gets what she wants
She puts the rest on a tray
In a zip-loc bag.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she get what she wants
She puts the rest on a tray
In a zip-loc bag in the freezer.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
Ben Folds Five - "Song For the Dumped"
So you wanted to take a break?
Slow it down some, and have some space?
Well fuck you too!
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
You fucking whore! [*and don't forget]
Wish I hadn't bought you dinner, right before you dumped me on your front porch.
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
You fucking whore! [*and don't forget]
And don't forget to give me back my black T-Shirt.
So you wanted to take a break?
Slow it down some, and have some space? [**Well fuck you too!]
Give me my money back,
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
I want my black T-Shirt.
I want my black T-Shirt.
The Descendents - "I'm The One"
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
nice guys finish last
no one knows as good as me
we're just good friends
and you come to me for sympathy
you tell me that i'm not your type
still you call me late at night
everytime he picks a fight
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one who's shoulder you've been cryin on
he's a total dick
that's the truth and you know i'm right
from everything you say
theres no way he'll ever do you right
you love a man who treats you wrong
you think you'll change him but you're wrong
he'll use you he'll say so long
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one who wants you more than anything
you don't feel the same way
you made it clear to me
but i'll stand my ground and maybe
you'll hear what i've been sayin
after all i've said and all i've done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
Good Charlotte - "Boys and Girls"
Educated
With money
He's well dressed
Not funny
And not much to say in
Most conversations
But he'll put the bill in
Most situations
Cause he pays for everything
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
Paper
Or plastic
Don't matter
She'll have it
Vacations
And shopping sprees
These are a few
Of her favorite things
She'll get what she wants
If she's willing to please
His type of girl
Always comes with a fee
Hey, now, there's nothing for free
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
And these girls like these boys like these boys like these girls
The girls with the bodies like boys with Ferraris
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Let's go!
Hey, hey!
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
And these girls like these boys like these boys like these girls
The girls with the bodies like boys with Ferraris
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world Bowling For Soup - "Suckerpunch"
Here she comes again with another boyfriend, introduces me and says,this is the sweetest guy I've ever known. Couldn't say a word I never say a word, she wraps her arms around my neck. You are the sweetest guy I've ever known.And I say again this is the last time.
There she goes again,she says I'm her best friend. We're better off this way she says. You're still the sweetest guy I've ever known. The smell stays on my shirt I can't say a word and swallow this lump inside my neck. You are the sweetest girl I've ever known. And I say again this is the last time.
(chorus)When you left before I didn't care too much,cause I just wished you'd go away (go away yeah) And I see you now and it's just too much. It takes my breath away. Just like a sucker punch.
Here she comes again with another boyfriend, introduces me and says,this is the sweetest guy I've ever known. Couldn't say a word I never say a word, she wraps her arms around my neck. You are the sweetest guy I've ever known.And I say again and I said before and I say once more this is the last time.
(chorus)
Just like a suckerpunch (x3) get up get up
The Offspring - "Self-Esteem"
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right?
Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem
The Ataris - "Your Boyfriend Sucks"
You're better off without him, don't call him...
He's breaking your heart.
He's hanging with your best friend and your waiting there,
It's tearing you apart.
He lied to you a thousand times,
When I was there he kept you waiting.
And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.
Finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me you said that I was your best friend,
A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be.
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Of course people don't forget the intellectual pimp.. Which at one point I was.. But after the ladder theory it has changed everything..
Whoremasters: The Pathology of the Intellectual Pimp
For every intellectual whore there must be an intellectual pimp. An intellectual pimp is defined as a woman that a man is an intellectual whore to. Here we will examine the relationship of a man to his intellectual pimp. We will examine the pathology of the intellectual pimp and enumerate the most common types of intellectual pimps.
Intellectual Whoredom is (usually) a Victimless Crime
Listen: Women who keep intellectual whores are not bad people. Unless they are not clear that they will not sleep with their intellectual whore and thus keep him enthralled by a false implied promise of future sexual activity. Then they are bad people. So I guess many of them are bad people. But if a grown-ass man knows that he has little to no chance to fuck and still lets himself become an intellectual whore, he has nobody to blame except for himself. Especially if he's read the Ladder Theory.
Many intellectual whores get something out of the relationship--if they're masochists. Many of them are holding out for their intellectual pimp to realize how good they would be together. Those are called fools, and deserve every minute of mental anguish they suffer. Some men are so pussified they are unable to summarily dismiss a woman from their life if she won't sleep with him, even though this is usually the appropriate course of action. You probably only met her because you wanted to fuck her, why keep her around if you can't? Some women are interesting enough to keep around, or maybe are useful as footstools, but I almost never meet them. In any case, if she felt no obligation to fuck you, you should feel no obligation to keep her as a friend, which calls for much more time and energy.
Why Do Women Want Intellectual Whores?
Emotional Reasons
"...becasue every guy you met since you was 16 has been trying to fuck you. Every time a man's being nice to you that's all he's doing is offering dick."
Rabbi Chris Rock
Lemma 1: Although they may not have been aware of it at the time, women who are even moderately attractive have had guys trying to fuck them since practically the day they hit fucking age. This is no surprise given society's obsession with youth and the general horniness of males. Women who aren't aware of this soon find it out however. If there is a woman over 16 who still thinks that guys she doesn't know come up to her and start making conversation because they think she looks like an interesting person she was probably raised by wolves or something. On a related note, this is probably why beautiful people tend to be boring. They never had to be interesting -- being beautiful was always interesting enough.
Lemma 2: As women age they become less and less attractive to men. Sure some mature women are still sexy, and plenty of people might like to fuck Goldie Hawn, but most women don't have the advantage of on-demand plastic sugery, full-time makeup artists, dieticians, flattering camera angles, and having 'looking good' as a job requirement. There simply are no old women that normal guys are really attracted to. Lots of women want to fuck Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, and Jack Nicholson. There is not a woman as old as any of those people that a guy would fuck on the grounds of being attracted to her. Sad fact of nature.
Lemma 3: Women don't generally want to think of themselves as or be regarded as whores. It's a sad fact of socialization that women who like to have a lot of sex are called bad names. Whores are great, and we would do well to work toward making the words 'cocksucker' and 'whore' and '****' non-derogatory.
Women eventually get tired of being wanted just for their body. Unless they're really ugly, in which case they'd probably be happy to be wanted for anything. That is why the easiest girls to score with are always the kind of ugly/fat best friends of really hot women. They get no attention from guys when they have to compete with their hot friend, but they can always get attention by putting out. It's kind of sad, but in terms of easy, a not-attractive-girl-with-low-self-esteem-and-a- really-hot-best-friend is about the safest bet you can make. Back to the matter at hand. Just like intellectual whores get tired of only being wanted for their minds.
Even the hottest woman entertains fantasies of a man who really really wants her for her mind, her personality, all of those inner attributes that really make her who she is. She knows that she can use her body to get what she wants, every woman knows that on some level. The success of such will depend on how nice her body is of course...Christie Brinkley can use hers to catch real-estate moguls. The girl down the street may just be able to get into clubs for free, or get a drink bought for her.
At some point all but the shallowest women will want to know that they are good for something besides fucking, and so the intellectual whore is born.
Gay guys and straight women are no good for this, a person who is not sexually attracted to you can't give you any kind of validation that you are wanted for your mind. If I only talk to you because you are no good for fucking, that's not as good a bolster for the ego as my knowing you are hot and not wanting to fuck you because I like you too much. Also women don't like each other very much.
Obviously it can't be someone they are fucking. If you get someone you are fucking to listen to your story about how your father was emotionally distant or get them to go to the ballet with you, there's always the possibilty that they wouldn't have if you weren't fucking them.
So what does that leave? Straight men who will actually listen to them and can be entertaining, smart, or funny. Straight men that will buy them food, be their emotional crutch, and go with them to places their boyfriends won't go. The intellectual whore offers both a useful service and a form of validation that no other person can match. A guy that puts up with all of the bullshit for none of the reward. A guy who does things for you and is so nice. A guy that clearly is a non-sexual being, he just likes you for you, that's why he listens to your shit for hours on end, and goes places with you, and gives you advice about guys, and loves the films of Bergman and the books of David Sedaris and Dave Eggers. And he likes you for you. You're cultured and intelligent. You can fuck as many outlaw bikers as you want -- you're not a shallow whore. Really. If you were, why would this sweet guy do all that for you...you really are worth more than the power you hold between your legs...no really you are....really.
To recap: Usually a guy who would do all manner of things for a woman would have to be fucking her. Sometimes they find a guy who is willing to do shit for them even though he is not getting laid. This is like a guy finding a girl who wants to have sex and then leave. They basically get to feel like they are worth something more than the sex they have to offer, because here is this guy who is so sweet and all that crap who doesn't want to fuck them (they think).
Material Reasons:
Some people are just users, and 'will use any scumbag for whatever I want....that just makes me smarter than you.' as one lovely young lady put it in an email to me. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone who will go get you coffee and go to a movie with you so you don't have to go alone. So there are material benefits to certain intellectual whores as well.
A Few Common Types of Intellectual Pimps To Look Out For
There are undoubtedly more archetypes than this one, but here are a few of the major ones to look for.
1. The Hot Woman:
This is a woman who knows that she is attractive and that guys want to fuck her. She probably has a boyfriend or a stable of steady Outlaw Biker fucks. You were probably trying to fuck her and got tossed onto the friend ladder.
Advantages as Intellectual Pimp: Hot women have busy social lives. Because of this, they are usually not very demanding on an intellectual whore's time. Also, it looks good to be seen with them. Try to get a picture of you with your hot Pimp and then tell other women that was your fiancee who died.
Disadvantages: Because they are used to having their ass kissed, when they do require your time, they are generally more demanding. You'd think they would have hot friends you could go after, but hot women of course see all other hot women as threats and often as not will put you off-limits to their hot friends. Also, if you don't rank highly on her ladder, what makes you think that you'll be high up on the ladder of her hot friends? This usually leads to being around hot women that you still can't fuck.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: Make sure to get your last rites administered before you attempt this ladder jump.
2. The Ugly Friend:
This is a woman that we should all empathize with on some level. This is the woman who has a hot friend. She herself is not hot. This usually leads to guys talking to her so they can try to fuck her friend. Eventually she learns that she can get attention from guys by putting out, since she'll never otherwise get attention when with her hot friend. Of course some guys won't fuck her still because they think it will jeopardize their chances with the hot friend.
Advantages:Not being hot, they are easier to say 'no' to. Also you don't feel so bad about not fucking because you probably
don't want to very much anyway. You can try to fuck the hot friend to amuse yourself.
Disadvantages: Even when you don't want to fuck someone, you still want them to want to fuck you. Many men can't handle the ego blow of a girl they don't find attractive not wanting to fuck them.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: Say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our-Fathers before attempting this jump.
3. The Innocent:
This is a woman who has led a sheltered life, watched too many Sandra Bullock movies, or is just an idealistic soul who refuses to see what is right in front of her.
Advantages: She'll generally not suspenct any nefarious activity from you, and thus is less guarded around you. Since you're such good friends you can initiate a lot of physical contact with her before she gets uncomfortable.
Disadvantages: If she has a boyfriend she's probably actually loyal to him, believing in romantic principles as she does. She probably won't be able to tell you anything useful about how to get a woman off, or will be unwilling to discuss it.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: If she is in a relationship have the last rites administered first. If not, and you sound sincere, say 5 Acts of Contrition, 4 Hail-Mary's and 7 Our-Fathers. If you don't sound convincing, say 10 Hail Mary's and 50 Our Fathers.
Put this in your pipe and smoke it.. Im sure all women do not agree with this. But it is the honest truth in black and white.. So go fuck yourself..
Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing...You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don't.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
Before we get to the core of the ladder theory let's introduce a few lemmas.
Lemma 1:Every time you meet someone you give them a quick mental rating. Just how this is done is based on your sex, like so:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/manrating.jpg
It should be noted that this is not an entirely conscious process. To make it clear here's an illustrative example of what really happens:
* Bob Meets Jane
* Then Bob Meets Connie
Now the ladder theory description goes like this:
1. Bob Meets Jane
2. Bob sizes her up based on the above criterion
3. Bob puts her on the ladder
4. Bob meets Connie
5. Bob sizes her up based on the above criterion
6. Bob puts her on the ladder above Jane
You can recognize this has gone on because Bob says " I'd like to fuck Jane, but not as much as I want to fuck Connie"
I think that everyone has heard this or something like it enough times for us to accept it as axiomatic and move on. You might be thinking, " Well what about Jane and Connie?" We'll get to them next.
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The Rating System: A Short Aside
The graphs on the previous page were not thrown together arbitrarily--they represent years of field testing. I say this because this is invariably the section I take the most flak for. Although almost all guys who have not had the manhood stripped out of them know this intuitively. As far as intellectual whores can determine, the average female bitch has a rating system that works like this:
Woman's Rating Graph
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/manrating.jpg
So the breakdown looks like:
Money and Power: 50%
Attraction: 40%
Things Women Say They Care About But Do Not: 10%
(this includes intelligence, sense of humor, honesty, sensitivity etc. )
As to the first point, that of money. Well most guys know that women dig guys with money. Would Donald Trump be fucking models if he wasn't rich? That question is rhetorical. Now I don't even believe this is wrong, I think it is just nature. But I also think women who are this way (and it is almost all of you) should be honest and admit that they are basically whores, and stop saying bad things about the so-called "actual whores" who are just trying to earn an honest living.
Most women read this and say something like, "Well I'm not the average woman because..blah...blah...not true...blah blah...my boyfriend/lover/husband/masseuse was poor...blah...blah."
If you thought something like this you are very likely the average woman. If you read it and went "Hmmm..." and then you went back to doing physics, then you have a case.
Looks are not to be discounted. I see many girls revert to about a seventh grade emotional level when they see some guy at the club, or some guy from a crappy movie. I think everyone has seen this phenomena, and it seems to have become an alarming trend in women of increasing age.
The attraction category is broken down further in the next section. This is a change from previous versions of the ladder theory that included looks here instead of attraction. I feel this is a more accurate depiction, as evidenced by experiment and peer review.
The last 10% was my effort to give women the benefit of the doubt. A common question men ask of women is "Tell me what you want in a man?", which is like asking how many guys she's slept with, an invitation to be lied to. Because she'll almost invariably answer with some combination of
* sense of humor
* intelligence
* sensitivity
* emotional stability
As far as I can tell this is mostly rubbish. But in an effort to be fair I have included this, since there seem to be a few rare cases of this. Just none that I have ever seen.
Another thing to watch out for is the code words women use. Here is a translation guide for dealing with women.
Says: I want a man who is motivated and has goals.
Means: I want a rich man
Says: I want a man who knows how to treat a woman.
Means: I want a rich man
Says: He's from a really good family.
Means: He's from a really rich family.
I'm sure you get the point. Let's move on.
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http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
Deconstructing the Woman's Pie Chart
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanrating.jpg
It was previously thought that the pie chart was fundamental. New advances in Ladder Theory have brought us to a more complete understanding. We have made new advances in the inner structure of the woman's rating system and now present it here.
First let's look at the rating system in Classical Ladder Theory
Classical Rating System
Now this is a fairly accurate description, and is essentially accurate. It misses a number of fine points. By defining the 40% block as "looks" the theory had originally assumed that looks were influenced by factor's other than just phyical attraction. For example, a guy who is a complete asshole to a woman seems to somehow look better to them. It soon became apparent from peer review that the term looks was inappropriate and has been replaced by the more accurate "attraction". The new chart then looks like this.
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womanratingv2.jpg
New Rating System
Previously it had been assumed that looks was fundamental. That is, that it could not be broken down any further, and that a score was assigned based on whatever biological principles made women attracted to men. Through extensive research we have been able to discern the inner structure of attraction. A chart will illustrate a very close approximation of the inner structure of attraction for the female. Commentary to follow.
The Attraction Breakdown
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/attraction.jpg
Physical Attraction/Looks - This is still a big factor in attraction. This is self-explanatory.
Competition - I almost titled this section disinterest. The two are closely related. We can only pursue what runs away from us. A man who is devoted to something else besides the woman is autmatically more attractive. Any intellectual whore who has ever listened to a girl complain about how her boyfriend-ran-off-with-a-**** or how her boyfriend-is-really-not-dumb-he's-just-streetsmart-and-he- has-to-sell-weed-to-support-his-baby's-mama or he's-really-nice-even-though-he-ignores-me-and-hits-me-sometimes-but-you-don't- know-what-he's-like-when-we're-alone or he's-not-emotionally-available-that's-why-I-like-talk-to-you-until-it's-time-to-go-fuck-him while he himself is sitting right there and would like nothing better than to be with her but of course is sitting solidly on the friends ladder knows this intuitively. Ultimately, almost all guys learn this truth for themselves: The best way to never score with a woman is to show too much interest in her.
Women seem to especially like it if you are more devoted to your bad music, biker gang, forearm tattoo or marijuana. These all seem to work wonders. There are some interests you can show in a woman that will help you to fuck her: a healthy interest in destroying her self-esteem and in fucking her friends more than her seem to work wonders. Note that the following topics of disinterest have been field tested and shown conclusively not to work: Unix, literature, poetry, international politics, and sodomy.
Novelty - Let's face it, if you're like every other guy who works a normal job and tries to live a good life, you're probably like just about every other guy. Chicks don't dig this, and why would they? Who wants someone who is just like everyone else? Something different is more attractive. Like someone who does not have to work during the day like most people because they have lots of money from business or selling drugs. Or like someone who has stabbed a man and went to prison for it. Different and a veritable ticket to getting laid.
Deconstructing money/power
"Power is a great aphrodesiac" - Notorious Asshole and War Criminal Henry Kissinger
"A woman's test is material. A man's test is a woman...if a man could fuck in a cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house." - Rabbi Dave Chappelle
It was previously assumed that money was a fundamental unit of attraction to a woman. Further investigation has revealed a better understanding of this very important piece of the woman's rating system. The piece which was formerly labelled money has been replaced by a money/power paradigm. The two are almost always intertwined in a way that makes them hard to distinguish, so I don't think it productive to make a chart of how they breakdown exactly. One almost always follows the other in any case.
What is important to know about the money/power piece is that previously it was thought of as static. Now we know that the money/power piece of attraction displays time-variance. That is, the amount of money needed to get maximal "points" in the money category varies according to the age of the woman. When a woman is younger her perspective is different as to what makes a lot of money. As she gets older the amount of money neccessary for full points increases.
For a girl of 16 full points for money might be obtained by having access to a car and beer money. When she is in her early college years, a nicer car and enough money to join a fraternity is probably sufficient. As she advances into her twenties what we consider to be the normal money chart will begin to manifest itself -- that is, she'll want the richest man she can get.
At no point that we can discern does money ever not become a factor. Take any guy. Take a woman that has that guy. In no circumstance that is known would she not rather have a guy just like that, but with more money. Actually, maybe in one circumstance -- when the guy has enough money to buy her basically everything she wants. This is self-evident, I should think.
Dreams of a Final Theory
I think is very very close to a final analysis of how a woman's rating system works. If you are very attractive, rich, and novel and show no interest in her she is almost guaranteed to want to fuck you. Indeed, isn't this the very definition of Alpha Male? In this way we have derived from our theoretical framework an idea that agrees with observation and experiment to many degrees of accuracy. It also provides a frameowrk for the Logic. Strive to be attractive, novel and aloof and you will go far.
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Construction of the Ladder
Now for the core of the theory. Since everyone you meet has a rating, it is only natural to stack them up on a ladder. Let's look at the ladder of some example man.
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/mansladder.jpg
So it should be self-evident, if you are following this at all, that the people you want to have sex with the most will be at the top of the ladder. Descending down to the bottom of the ladder we pass the following people:
1. The people we really want, who may even be out of our league, are on top
2. Then come the people we like
3. Moving further down we pass the people who we would fuck if we were intoxicated and would admit to doing it later.
4. At the bottom are the people we would fuck drunk, and would lie about doing it later.
Clinging to the bottom are the girls that are wolf ugly. These are women so ugly you would chew your own arm off to get away rather than fuck them. Usually fake teeth, or the loss of several hundred pounds can move a woman up from wolf ugly.
Now let's take a look at what the typical woman's ladder looks like:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/womansladder.jpg
The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one ,but two ladders. This is becasue in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.
The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap between these two ladders. It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder. The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder. If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss(what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.
To fully illustrate the point I'll now examine some common scenarios and their ladder theory explanations. For purposes of these examples Tom will be our boy and Jane will be out girl.
Scenario 1: Tom meets Jane. She's pretty and seems interesting to talk to. Tom and Jane start haging out and talking more and more. Tom develops an attraction to Jane, and one day tries to kiss her. Jane tell Tom she doesn't think of him that way and she wants to remain friends. The next few weeks contact between the two falls off. Jane starts fucking an outlaw biker.
Ladder Theory Explanation: Tom met Jane. Tom was immediately placed on the friends ladder. Tom didn't know this. Tom tried to jump ladders. Jane kicked Tom in the head rather than let him on and sent him hurtling to the Abyss below. The oulaw biker was not on her friends ladder (they never are) but rather on her good ladder.
Scenario 2: Tom meets Jane. She's cute and seems smart. After an appropriate amount of time he asks her out on a date. She acccepts and they have what seems to be a perfectly nice date. Tom thinks he has a chance with Jane. He asks her out again. She says no, either explicitly or by never returning his phone call. Tom has no idea what the Hell just happened. Jane starts fucking an unemployed alcoholic.
Ladder Theory Explanation: Jane misrepresented which ladder Tom was on. He thought he was on the good ladder because of her acceptance of the date. Mistake. This led to an unintentional ladder jump. He was kicked into the Abyss. In this situation, Jane often wants to stay friends becasue you are so interesting and funny or some shit like that. If this happens you are most likely an Intellectual Whore. I'm sorry. This is most likely to be a ninja-bitch.
Scenario 3: A girl says any of the following to you:
* "You're like a brother to me"
* "You're like a big teddy bear"
* "I feel like I can talk to you about anything"
* "You're so nice"
* "Can you help me with my homework"
Ladder Theory Explanation: You are on the friends ladder. So Sorry.
You can see that a lot of problems can be avoided(though sadly not problem two) by declaring as soon as possible to a girl that you will not be friends under any circumstances. You can explain that she is too attractive or you can be blunt and say you don't want to bend your "friends" over a table and fuck them, but would rather play poker and go to the races with them, thus disqualifying her from friendship. As long as you are clear. This may scare a girl away. But if it does what would you want with such a skittish little twit anyway?
Next we'll explore some of the consequences of the ladder and applications in every day life.
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Hidden Variables in the Ladder
The Ladder Theory is assumed to be correct for all classical phenomena. There do seem to be some "hidden" variables that modify the Ladder to some extent. These variables do not affect the rating system, nor do they affect the fundamental theorems of the Ladder. They do, however, modify how we act with regard to the Ladder.
These are the hidden variables that have been identified.
Religiosity:
While most people, even people who believe in God, will have sex before they are married and thus fall under the rules of the ladder, some people are so religious they will not have sex until they are married. This is of course a silly and anachronistic practice, but it does occur. In this case, the Ladder should me modified as follows: change instances of 'would have sex with' to be 'would like to have sex with.' This works because while religious people have the same impulses, they choose to deny them as opposed to embracing them.
Drunkenness:
Of course when drunk we do things we wouldn't do otherwise. Usually when sobriety sets in, there is a return to the tenets of the ladder theory. In most cases, it should be noted, repressed Americans use being drunk as an excuse to do what they wanted to do anyway, so one should be very careful in applying this variable. For example, I'm drunk as I type this, but I would have typed it anyway, even though I might fall back on that excuse if there are a lot of typos in there or it doens't stand up to peer review. Do not let me get away with this.
Loyalty:
A lot of people have asked about the significant others of friends and if they are special cases of the Ladder. They are not. These are not your friends. These are virtual friends. For example, a friend of mine is fucking a girl. I like her, she's great, we get along, etc... But when they break up she is dead to me. Or if the friend leaves the picture the normal rules of the Ladder apply. So are we really friends? Of course not. We are conditional friends. This does not affect where she goes on the Ladder. Think of it like this: the Ladder is a rating system, and I'll rate her along with everyone else based on how much I would like to fuck them. A note for guys: if your friends girl offers you a piece you should hit that shit, because he shouldn't be laying up with no ho. Ideally you should tape it also, because most guys will believe the person they're fucking.
Desperation:
What desperation does is shift downward the line of quality that one would consider for fucking. There is a line on the ladder that is the quality of the last person you were fucking. Since one of the purposes of life, if not the purpose, is to move up the ladder, you want someone above this line. Sometimes you can't find someone above this line. This leads to a virtual shift in the line downward as one gets more and more in need of a fuck. But in terms of what a person wants, nothing changes -- you'd leave your desperation fuck for someone else with the requisite ladder attributes.
Hidden Variables and Sanity
Note that all known hidden variables are indicative of an altered consciousness of some kind. At the 'limit of sanity' the Classical ladder's rating system still applies. So I don't feel that these change the core theory, but explain times when the theory is not able to be applied because your perception is wrong.
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Back to the Beginning: Yes Virginia, They All Want to Bang You.
You'll note that a man has one ladder while a female has two. The man is lacking a "friends ladder." The man's ladder reflects the conventional wisdom that a man generally only wants one thing. That's because the conventional wisdom is correct. This leads us back to the conclusion that many women I have explained this to find so distasteful:
IF A MAN FINDS YOU ATTRACTIVE YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS
Many women want to argue this point and say things like " I have lots of guy friends." Maybe. There are exactly 3 cases Intellectual Whores has identified whereby a guy and a girl can be friends:
1. The guy is gay
2. The guy does not find you attractive.
3. The guy already has a woman much higher than you on the ladder
Even Nietzsche knew this. Most guys know this intuitively. Most girls doubt. I have a challenge for all of you girls who still doubt. Pick a guy who does not meet any of the criterion on the above list that you think is your friend. Then ask yourself this question: If you were both alone at his place one night, and you excused yourself to the bathroom and came out naked and asked him to have sex with you would he:
1. Tell you he doesn't want to risk the beautiful friendship you have created with messy physical entanglements.
2. Comply
Remember this only works if you are honest with yourself. Number one is of course something that guys hear all the time. Intellectual Whores refers to it as the Kiss of Death. It is more likely that he will jump you eagerly.
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Consequences of the Ladder
Toward a Meaning of Life
Convieniently, the ladder theory answers the oft asked question, "What is the purpose of life?" The purpose of life is to move up the ladder. The person you are with now should be better (higher on your ladder) than the person you were last with. Okay it's not perfect but if you have no direction in life, trying to fuck hotter and hotter chicks or richer and richer guys is as good a place as any to start. In addition to giving a good base toward a meaning of life there are a few other things that ladder theory explains.
Topping out the Ladder:
Have you ever seen a guy that was not particularly attractive, rich or muscled yet was with a lovely woman? For most guys the most common reaction is envy, something like "Hey I'm not all that muscled, attractive or rich either. Why can't I be fucking a girl like that?" We at intellectual whores used to feel this way about "stump factor" as well. But then ladder theory was discovered and we realized that it was more rational to pity this man.
Ladder theory tells us that the purpose of life is to move up the ladder. When their relationship ends, he will probably never be able to get another woman as good as the one he is with right now -- the rest of his life he'll likely be striving in vain. In effect, he's doomed the whole rest of his life to meaninglessness unless he marries this girl. This of course is just trading one type of doom for another.
Ladder Disparity
The ladder is obviously a two-way process. When Bob meets Jane he puts her on his ladder and she puts him on her ladder. It often happens that one person is a lot higher on your ladder than you are on theirs, or vice versa. The leads to a situation that looks like this:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/images/disparity.jpg
Disparity Diagram Notice that Bob has Jane very low while Bob is very high on Jane's ladder. He is most likely rich and she is most likely ugly. Anyhow this is a classic case of disparity. If we connect the two points we can make a right triangle. The resulting hypotenuse "c" is the magnitude of the disparity.
Common shorthand among ladder thoerists is "Well, she caught him fucking a stewardess and didn't leave him but what do you expect for a level 5 disparity." The position of being high on someone else's ladder while having them low on yours is referred to as being in the "upper" or "power" position. This is good and leads to different things depending on who is in the power position.
If the man is in the upper position the disparity is a measure of how long the woman will put up with him cheating, using her physically without committing, or paying his rent and all his bills.
If the woman is in the power position then it is a measure of how much the man will spend money on her, fetch her things at midnight, and listen to stories about other guys she is fucking.
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Manifestations of the Ladder
Classical Ladder Theory admittedly treats relationships as binary, in the sense of sex or not-sex. There are in-between cases, which I feel the Ladder addresses. In this section we will take some common scenarios and see how they are explained within the framework of ladder theory. The first two, cuddle bitches and friends with benefits, were proposed in an email I received so I have dealt with them first.
On Cuddle Bitches
Cuddle Bitches
cuddle bitch(n) - a guy who never gets to sleep with a girl but gets to have intimate moments with her like cuddling, spooning, or otherwise being affectionate. Usually this will occur in private. She probably considers him a really sweet guy, which is the kiss of death.
First off, cuddle bitches are bad, bad things to be. Maybe the worst thing to be. I mean, being an Intellectual Whore is bad, but being an Intellectual Whore who has to endure blue-balls is bordering on criminal.
As to how it fits into the framework of the ladder.
Basically this is just a guy who has a very high position on the friends ladder. So far up the friends ladder that he gets the dubious honor of getting to provide all the intimacy that a girl is missing when she's off fucking guys who basically don't care about her like outlaw bikers and band members. So he gets to be the proxy father/confessor/friend/teddy bear for her, depending on what she is missing at the time. Perhaps the only consolation of this is a ladder jump to the real ladder seems statistically a little more likely to succeed. Of course, when one is that high up the fall is dreadful indeed....
How do we know this? Well, if a woman had a nice loving boyfriend then he would be doing all the cuddling and whatnot and likely wouldn't stand for a woman maintaining a stable of cuddle bitches. Unless he's completelty pussified, in which case she's likely fucking some other people anyway.
For guys unacquainted with Ladder Theory, it is even worse. The cuddle bitch often thinks he is on the good ladder as opposed to the real ladder. So he gets all excited about his position instead of realizing he is being completely used. So this poor tool is really setting himself up for a fall at that point.
Note: This does not apply if cuddling under the influence of mushrooms, for the express purposes of avoiding hypothermia, or if the woman is a whore that you've recently paid for sex. Cuddling is perfectly acceptable and probably non-sexual in these circumstances.
Friends With Benefits:
This is the case where you get to sleep with a woman or have some sort of intimate physical relations without any sort of committment.
All we can say to this situation is: bravo! This is the optimal condition to be in--with as many women as possible.
A lot of people try to use this condition as a criticism of ladder theory, so I'll state again here that this fits perfectly in the framework of ladder theory. A woman has two ladders, but the second one is the 'guys I would have sex with' ladder, NOT the 'relationship ladder.' So 'friends with benefits' is a complete fucking misnomer, since you are not actually 'friends', you are quite more than that. The Ladder Theory only states what makes a woman want to have sex with a man, it does not take the puerile view that women don't want to have sex, or that they have to be somehow tricked into it. If you are a 'friend with benefits', then you are on the Real Ladder. Congratulations. If you get replaced, you haven't been demoted ladders, you have merely been replaced by someone higher than you on the Real Ladder.
That being said, usually women are more interested in long-term relationships than men, and consent to this form of relationship because there is ladder disparity in favor of the male. A lot of women say that they are just having sex, they like it as much as men etc... While the second statement is undoubtedly exaggerated, there is no reason to think that women don't want to have sex just as much as men. Which if course only makes it worse if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you.
Of Female Footstools
Judging by the amount of mail I have gotten about it, a LOT of guys are using the tactic of making friends with the less-than-attractive friend of a girl they want to fuck in order to score points with the girl higher up the ladder. I have never found this to work very well for me personally, but it does not require an addendum to the Theory, and can be explained within the framework of Classical Ladder Theory.
Let us call the woman you are using to score points with the woman you want to fuck the 'footstool.' The woman you are trying to fuck we will call the 'target.'
There are two basic situations here. One is that you would fuck the footstool. This is the easiest one. If you would fuck them then you're not really friends. The other is that you wouldn't fuck the footstool. If we look at the ways that men can have female friends we find if you wouldn't fuck them or if you are fucking someone better. In this case the target is by definition better, or else the target would be the footstool. So the whole thing is explained by the Ladder Theory already. Of course the very idea of calling someone you are merely using to fuck someone else a 'friend' is a little ridiculous also.
One interesting thing about footstools is it is about as close as a woman can usually get to knowing what it is like to be an intellectual whore.
Exes
Exes are not a special case in the ladder. Usually when someone gets broken up with it's because the other person thinks they can do better on the Ladder. Or already has. If you didn't think you could do better why would you leave the one you were with?
The usual pattern for exes is to try to be friends, realize it's not going to really work, and then become more and more distant toward each other over time. In any case, if you continue to fuck for a while, then you continue to fuck. You wouldn't have had a relationship with them if they were not on the real ladder, so if it's convienient there's really no reason not to.
If you are friends, then the normal rules of how men and women can be friends applies. But it should be said, that many exes try to be friends because it seems like some shit they should do, when in reality one of them is hoping they will get back together or at least continue to fuck.
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Answers to Common Criticisms
Criticism:You're just bitter.
Answer:Maybe I am. But ladder theory made me that way, my bitterness did not make ladder theory. Attack the theory, not the person behind it. And why does everyone always say I'm bitter just because 99.999% of chicks are bitches?
Criticism:I have lots of male friends who would never think of me that way blah blah blah.
Answer:Your friend doesn't find you attractive, or he's currently doing better, or he's gay or you're wrong.
Criticism:That's not true
Answer:Yes it is.
Criticism:So a woman is a bad person just because she won't sleep with you? Don't you hang out with people you don't want to sleep with? Are women supposed to just fuck every guy who wants to fuck them so they won't be bitches?
Answer:Yes, I hang out with people I don't want to sleep with, but they're all people who don't want to sleep with me either. So there's equity. It's not that I think women are bad people for not wanting to sleep with me. It's moreso that:
1. I have plenty of friends already
2. I will never be able to truly be friends with them because my perspective will be colored by my desire to sleep with them
3. If they are not cool then they are probably just attractive and why would i want to hang out with them if they won't sleep with me? If they are cool then the desire to sleep with them will only intensify the more I hang out with them so I am really only torturing myself emotionally to hang out with them and pretend that that is all I want. Why would I or any guy want to put himself through that?
Criticism:Do you expect to get laid when you have this whole site devoted to how much you hate women?
Answer:First off, this is a forum for my narcissism. As to hatred of women -- if that's what you think then you are clearly projecting your guilt about being a bitch onto me. Not a single woman who wasn't a bitch has ever complained about misogyny at this site. I can prove this on an abacus.
Criticism:In the section on ladder disparity you make reference to the 'hypotenuse.' The ladders however, are metaphorical constructs, and are not a defined distance apart from each other so this term is misleading.
Answer:It seems that way at first, but that's because you have failed to understand the topology of Ladder Space, which should of course should be so obvious that a formal proof is not required. Idiot.
Criticism:You must have been terribly hurt, or had a terrible relationship with your mom or [insert pseudo-Freudian amateur psycho-babble analysis here]
Answer:See my answer to the first criticism. Also, why doesn't anyone ever assume that my mother was so great that I have never yet found a woman to live up to her standard and thus became bitter?
Criticism:You must have too much time on your hands, and you must not be getting laid, to write all this stuff. Lighten up, and [insert one of: grow up, get laid, or get a life.]
Answer:Depends on my mood.
For a good mood: Who says I don't get laid? For all you know I've only had 4 rejections in 25 years. Not bad on the whole. Also, I'm just presenting the world as I see it. I never said I was angry that women all want rich guys. Indeed, it gives me an incentive to save money. To the contrary I don't have enough time. Like Keats, I am afraid my pen, or keyboard as the case may be, will not have time to glean my teeming brain before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Assuming you are correct, though, how would that change the ladder theory?
For a bad mood: Right, some kind of life it must be if you're spending time writing missives about the virtues of women friends to guys who have websites. You obviously got married too soon or are a pussy whipped little bitch who knows he can't pull off what women really want so you spin these little defensive theories about how you should be nice and sweet and kind, and I'm sure it occasionally gets you some very boring women. As for me, I'll be partying with a couple of hookers who are VERY honest about what they want and suck a good dick. Just please raise your mewling little brats not to talk in movie theatres, and not to bother people trying to do something creative with their snivelling.
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Answers to Common Criticisms
Criticism:You're just bitter.
Answer:Maybe I am. But ladder theory made me that way, my bitterness did not make ladder theory. Attack the theory, not the person behind it. And why does everyone always say I'm bitter just because 99.999% of chicks are bitches?
Criticism:I have lots of male friends who would never think of me that way blah blah blah.
Answer:Your friend doesn't find you attractive, or he's currently doing better, or he's gay or you're wrong.
Criticism:That's not true
Answer:Yes it is.
Criticism:So a woman is a bad person just because she won't sleep with you? Don't you hang out with people you don't want to sleep with? Are women supposed to just fuck every guy who wants to fuck them so they won't be bitches?
Answer:Yes, I hang out with people I don't want to sleep with, but they're all people who don't want to sleep with me either. So there's equity. It's not that I think women are bad people for not wanting to sleep with me. It's moreso that:
1. I have plenty of friends already
2. I will never be able to truly be friends with them because my perspective will be colored by my desire to sleep with them
3. If they are not cool then they are probably just attractive and why would i want to hang out with them if they won't sleep with me? If they are cool then the desire to sleep with them will only intensify the more I hang out with them so I am really only torturing myself emotionally to hang out with them and pretend that that is all I want. Why would I or any guy want to put himself through that?
Criticism:Do you expect to get laid when you have this whole site devoted to how much you hate women?
Answer:First off, this is a forum for my narcissism. As to hatred of women -- if that's what you think then you are clearly projecting your guilt about being a bitch onto me. Not a single woman who wasn't a bitch has ever complained about misogyny at this site. I can prove this on an abacus.
Criticism:In the section on ladder disparity you make reference to the 'hypotenuse.' The ladders however, are metaphorical constructs, and are not a defined distance apart from each other so this term is misleading.
Answer:It seems that way at first, but that's because you have failed to understand the topology of Ladder Space, which should of course should be so obvious that a formal proof is not required. Idiot.
Criticism:You must have been terribly hurt, or had a terrible relationship with your mom or [insert pseudo-Freudian amateur psycho-babble analysis here]
Answer:See my answer to the first criticism. Also, why doesn't anyone ever assume that my mother was so great that I have never yet found a woman to live up to her standard and thus became bitter?
Criticism:You must have too much time on your hands, and you must not be getting laid, to write all this stuff. Lighten up, and [insert one of: grow up, get laid, or get a life.]
Answer:Depends on my mood.
For a good mood: Who says I don't get laid? For all you know I've only had 4 rejections in 25 years. Not bad on the whole. Also, I'm just presenting the world as I see it. I never said I was angry that women all want rich guys. Indeed, it gives me an incentive to save money. To the contrary I don't have enough time. Like Keats, I am afraid my pen, or keyboard as the case may be, will not have time to glean my teeming brain before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Assuming you are correct, though, how would that change the ladder theory?
For a bad mood: Right, some kind of life it must be if you're spending time writing missives about the virtues of women friends to guys who have websites. You obviously got married too soon or are a pussy whipped little bitch who knows he can't pull off what women really want so you spin these little defensive theories about how you should be nice and sweet and kind, and I'm sure it occasionally gets you some very boring women. As for me, I'll be partying with a couple of hookers who are VERY honest about what they want and suck a good dick. Just please raise your mewling little brats not to talk in movie theatres, and not to bother people trying to do something creative with their snivelling.
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Musical Intonations of Ladder Theory
These are some songs that seem to represent Ladder Theory well. intellectualwhores.com takes no responsibility for the
quality of these songs. Some of them pretty much suck. But they illustrate the theme.
All of these songs are available for download at the intellectualwhores ftp site(ssssshhhhhh....don't tell the RIAA). Instructions can be found here
Sam Kinison - "The Bitch Song"
Just listen to it. It's fucking funny.
Cake - "Friend is a 4 Letter Word"
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd,
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me
I'm really only praying that
The words you'll soon be saying
Might betray, the way you feel about me
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
Jets To Brazil - "Starry Configurations"
starry configurations am just a receiver
divine recombinations am just a recordist
receptionist - unhappy medium
receptionist - unhappy medium
excellent accommodations am just a bellboy
beautiful surroundings am just some gravel
or peat moss, what have you
or peat moss, what have you now?
why must you treat me like you do?
don't you know it's all for you
dear infatuation, you do not see me
die here beside you in see-through obscurity
governess, fancy less, we'll sound the alarm
and drum up some simpleton for you
to eat these apples from your eyes
emptiness fills room
your love's bud goes full bloom
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive
storybook ending am just a ledger
hardly worth a mention or the paper
it's written on and cried upon
and kissed once by wax
but still you treat me like you do
with everything I've done for you
striking like a bird of prey along your notepad now
the only year that turns your way
my dear diary: it's just you and me tonight
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me
you don't love me
aren't thinking of me tonight
why am I waiting for you to see I'm alive?
Declan MacManus (Elvis Costello) performed by Paul McCartney
- "The Lovers That Never Were"
I Have Always Needed Somebody Girl,
But I Close The Doors To Keep Out The World.
But For You, I Would Be Here All Alone,
Locked In A Photograph.
All Of The Clocks Have Run Down.
Lover Beware.
We'll Be The Lovers That Never Were.
I Hang Patiently On Every Word You Send.
Will We Ever Be Much More Than Just Friends?
As For You, You Sit There Playing This Game,
You Keep Me Waiting
When All Of The Clocks Have Run Down,
All Over The World.
We'll Be The Lovers That Never Were.
For As Long As The Sun Shines In Somebody's Eyes
, I Believe In You Baby, So Don't Tell Me Lies.
For As Long As The Trees Throw Down Blossoms And Leaves,
I Know There Will Be A Parade Of Unpainted Dreams.
And I Know Dear, How Much It's Going To Hurt
If You Still Refuse To Get Your Hands Dirty.
So You, You Must Tell Me Something,...I Love You,
Say Goodbye Or Anything.
All Of The Clocks Have Run Down.
Time's At An End.
If We Can't Be Lovers We'll Never Be Friends.
For As Long As The Sun Shines In Somebody's Eyes,
I Believe In You Baby, So Don't Tell Me Lies.
For As Long As The Trees Throw Down Blossoms And Leaves,
I Know There Will Be A Parade Of Unpainted Dreams.
A Perfect Circle - "3 Libras"
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.
DMX - "What These Bitches Want"
Aiyyo, I think about when a ***** didn't have (YEAH)
and a ***** told a joke, and the bitches didn't laugh
See now I do the math, I see if you got this
and this and this to some cats, that *****'s the shit (aight?)
And that's all they fuckin with, but see these bitches don't know
If these bitches ain't for real, these bitches don't go
Knock on door, no show, I'm sleep tryin to creep
wit yo' best friend, put it in, dig deep
Frank Sinatra (Russ Columbo) - "Just Friends"
Just friends
Just friends
Lovers no more
Just friends
But not like before
To think of what we've been
And not to kiss again
Seems like pretending
It isn't the ending
Two friends
Drifting apart
Two friends
But one broken heart
We loved we laughed we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends
We loved we laughed and we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends
Kool Mo Dee - "They Want Money"
I'm drivin'
Benz 190
2.5 and you know where to find me
Driving down the highway
Girlies behind me
Jockin' blindly
No need to remind me
Who I am I know you know me
Stop screamin' and yellin' and pointin' I'm low key
No I ain't got no time for a picture
But slide your number
And I'll get wit ya
You wanna ride
Ya shouldn't of said that
You played yourself
And I know where your head's at
Drive my car don't make me laugh
You better settle for an autograph
Or a hug and a kiss on the cheek maybe
But I ain't trying to make no baby
Forget all the silly rumors you heard
Here's the deal so spread the word
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
And I can see'em a mile away
And when they push up
I just smile and say
Back up off me
Smell the coffee
You're screamin' and plottin'
And I'm killing you softly
Watchin' you melt from the second I kiss ya
Hear dollar signs in your careless whispers
I know the game it's old and lame
You're holdin' a flame for my name and my fame
Livin' like Givens schemin' on Tyson
But she got lucky cause he was a nice one
But I ain't nice and I don't play that
If it ain't tax I don't pay that
You think you're in cause you turn me on
Here one minute and the next you're gone
I made rhymes
I made cash
Why get married and you take half
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
The police I'm givin' them fits
A young brother in a Benz legit
I don't sell no drugs and take no shh
Park my ride and the ladies hit
So many ladies the cops had a hint
They took me in cause they thought I pimped
Jetted from the station back in a flash
They had nothing on me but cold cold cash
Ladies they all wanna get with
The man with the money
So they wanna get with
The microphone master
And ride shotgun
So people can see ya
And think I got one
No sorry nothin's happenin'
Moe Dee's single while he's rappin'
If girls keep lyin' and crashin' my party
Ya'll gonna make me hurt somebody
No,
I ain't got no girlfriend
No,
I ain't buy no car
No,
I ain't got no babies
A lot of ladies
Naw, they want money
Cake - "Italian Leather Sofa"
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's a good man.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as she still has her friends.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she gets what she wants
She puts the rest on a tray
In a zip-loc bag.
She's got a serrated edge
That she moves back and forth.
It's such a simple machine.
She doesn't have to use force.
When she get what she wants
She puts the rest on a tray
In a zip-loc bag in the freezer.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
She doesn't care,
Just as long as his ship's coming in.
She doesn't care
Whether or not he's an island.
They laugh, they make money.
He's got a gold watch.
She's got a silk dress
And healthy breasts
That bounce on his Italian leather sofa.
Ben Folds Five - "Song For the Dumped"
So you wanted to take a break?
Slow it down some, and have some space?
Well fuck you too!
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
You fucking whore! [*and don't forget]
Wish I hadn't bought you dinner, right before you dumped me on your front porch.
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
You fucking whore! [*and don't forget]
And don't forget to give me back my black T-Shirt.
So you wanted to take a break?
Slow it down some, and have some space? [**Well fuck you too!]
Give me my money back,
Give me my money back, give me my money back, you bitch.
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
I want my money back.
I want my black T-Shirt.
I want my black T-Shirt.
The Descendents - "I'm The One"
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
nice guys finish last
no one knows as good as me
we're just good friends
and you come to me for sympathy
you tell me that i'm not your type
still you call me late at night
everytime he picks a fight
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one who's shoulder you've been cryin on
he's a total dick
that's the truth and you know i'm right
from everything you say
theres no way he'll ever do you right
you love a man who treats you wrong
you think you'll change him but you're wrong
he'll use you he'll say so long
after all he's said and all he's done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one who wants you more than anything
you don't feel the same way
you made it clear to me
but i'll stand my ground and maybe
you'll hear what i've been sayin
after all i've said and all i've done
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
i've been here for you all along
i'm the one
who's shoulder you've been cryin on
i'm the one
Good Charlotte - "Boys and Girls"
Educated
With money
He's well dressed
Not funny
And not much to say in
Most conversations
But he'll put the bill in
Most situations
Cause he pays for everything
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
Paper
Or plastic
Don't matter
She'll have it
Vacations
And shopping sprees
These are a few
Of her favorite things
She'll get what she wants
If she's willing to please
His type of girl
Always comes with a fee
Hey, now, there's nothing for free
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
And these girls like these boys like these boys like these girls
The girls with the bodies like boys with Ferraris
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Let's go!
Hey, hey!
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
And these girls like these boys like these boys like these girls
The girls with the bodies like boys with Ferraris
Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world
All of these boys, yeah get all of these girls
Losing their souls in a material world Bowling For Soup - "Suckerpunch"
Here she comes again with another boyfriend, introduces me and says,this is the sweetest guy I've ever known. Couldn't say a word I never say a word, she wraps her arms around my neck. You are the sweetest guy I've ever known.And I say again this is the last time.
There she goes again,she says I'm her best friend. We're better off this way she says. You're still the sweetest guy I've ever known. The smell stays on my shirt I can't say a word and swallow this lump inside my neck. You are the sweetest girl I've ever known. And I say again this is the last time.
(chorus)When you left before I didn't care too much,cause I just wished you'd go away (go away yeah) And I see you now and it's just too much. It takes my breath away. Just like a sucker punch.
Here she comes again with another boyfriend, introduces me and says,this is the sweetest guy I've ever known. Couldn't say a word I never say a word, she wraps her arms around my neck. You are the sweetest guy I've ever known.And I say again and I said before and I say once more this is the last time.
(chorus)
Just like a suckerpunch (x3) get up get up
The Offspring - "Self-Esteem"
I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right?
Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem
The Ataris - "Your Boyfriend Sucks"
You're better off without him, don't call him...
He's breaking your heart.
He's hanging with your best friend and your waiting there,
It's tearing you apart.
He lied to you a thousand times,
When I was there he kept you waiting.
And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.
Finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me you said that I was your best friend,
A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be.
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Of course people don't forget the intellectual pimp.. Which at one point I was.. But after the ladder theory it has changed everything..
Whoremasters: The Pathology of the Intellectual Pimp
For every intellectual whore there must be an intellectual pimp. An intellectual pimp is defined as a woman that a man is an intellectual whore to. Here we will examine the relationship of a man to his intellectual pimp. We will examine the pathology of the intellectual pimp and enumerate the most common types of intellectual pimps.
Intellectual Whoredom is (usually) a Victimless Crime
Listen: Women who keep intellectual whores are not bad people. Unless they are not clear that they will not sleep with their intellectual whore and thus keep him enthralled by a false implied promise of future sexual activity. Then they are bad people. So I guess many of them are bad people. But if a grown-ass man knows that he has little to no chance to fuck and still lets himself become an intellectual whore, he has nobody to blame except for himself. Especially if he's read the Ladder Theory.
Many intellectual whores get something out of the relationship--if they're masochists. Many of them are holding out for their intellectual pimp to realize how good they would be together. Those are called fools, and deserve every minute of mental anguish they suffer. Some men are so pussified they are unable to summarily dismiss a woman from their life if she won't sleep with him, even though this is usually the appropriate course of action. You probably only met her because you wanted to fuck her, why keep her around if you can't? Some women are interesting enough to keep around, or maybe are useful as footstools, but I almost never meet them. In any case, if she felt no obligation to fuck you, you should feel no obligation to keep her as a friend, which calls for much more time and energy.
Why Do Women Want Intellectual Whores?
Emotional Reasons
"...becasue every guy you met since you was 16 has been trying to fuck you. Every time a man's being nice to you that's all he's doing is offering dick."
Rabbi Chris Rock
Lemma 1: Although they may not have been aware of it at the time, women who are even moderately attractive have had guys trying to fuck them since practically the day they hit fucking age. This is no surprise given society's obsession with youth and the general horniness of males. Women who aren't aware of this soon find it out however. If there is a woman over 16 who still thinks that guys she doesn't know come up to her and start making conversation because they think she looks like an interesting person she was probably raised by wolves or something. On a related note, this is probably why beautiful people tend to be boring. They never had to be interesting -- being beautiful was always interesting enough.
Lemma 2: As women age they become less and less attractive to men. Sure some mature women are still sexy, and plenty of people might like to fuck Goldie Hawn, but most women don't have the advantage of on-demand plastic sugery, full-time makeup artists, dieticians, flattering camera angles, and having 'looking good' as a job requirement. There simply are no old women that normal guys are really attracted to. Lots of women want to fuck Harrison Ford, Sean Connery, and Jack Nicholson. There is not a woman as old as any of those people that a guy would fuck on the grounds of being attracted to her. Sad fact of nature.
Lemma 3: Women don't generally want to think of themselves as or be regarded as whores. It's a sad fact of socialization that women who like to have a lot of sex are called bad names. Whores are great, and we would do well to work toward making the words 'cocksucker' and 'whore' and '****' non-derogatory.
Women eventually get tired of being wanted just for their body. Unless they're really ugly, in which case they'd probably be happy to be wanted for anything. That is why the easiest girls to score with are always the kind of ugly/fat best friends of really hot women. They get no attention from guys when they have to compete with their hot friend, but they can always get attention by putting out. It's kind of sad, but in terms of easy, a not-attractive-girl-with-low-self-esteem-and-a- really-hot-best-friend is about the safest bet you can make. Back to the matter at hand. Just like intellectual whores get tired of only being wanted for their minds.
Even the hottest woman entertains fantasies of a man who really really wants her for her mind, her personality, all of those inner attributes that really make her who she is. She knows that she can use her body to get what she wants, every woman knows that on some level. The success of such will depend on how nice her body is of course...Christie Brinkley can use hers to catch real-estate moguls. The girl down the street may just be able to get into clubs for free, or get a drink bought for her.
At some point all but the shallowest women will want to know that they are good for something besides fucking, and so the intellectual whore is born.
Gay guys and straight women are no good for this, a person who is not sexually attracted to you can't give you any kind of validation that you are wanted for your mind. If I only talk to you because you are no good for fucking, that's not as good a bolster for the ego as my knowing you are hot and not wanting to fuck you because I like you too much. Also women don't like each other very much.
Obviously it can't be someone they are fucking. If you get someone you are fucking to listen to your story about how your father was emotionally distant or get them to go to the ballet with you, there's always the possibilty that they wouldn't have if you weren't fucking them.
So what does that leave? Straight men who will actually listen to them and can be entertaining, smart, or funny. Straight men that will buy them food, be their emotional crutch, and go with them to places their boyfriends won't go. The intellectual whore offers both a useful service and a form of validation that no other person can match. A guy that puts up with all of the bullshit for none of the reward. A guy who does things for you and is so nice. A guy that clearly is a non-sexual being, he just likes you for you, that's why he listens to your shit for hours on end, and goes places with you, and gives you advice about guys, and loves the films of Bergman and the books of David Sedaris and Dave Eggers. And he likes you for you. You're cultured and intelligent. You can fuck as many outlaw bikers as you want -- you're not a shallow whore. Really. If you were, why would this sweet guy do all that for you...you really are worth more than the power you hold between your legs...no really you are....really.
To recap: Usually a guy who would do all manner of things for a woman would have to be fucking her. Sometimes they find a guy who is willing to do shit for them even though he is not getting laid. This is like a guy finding a girl who wants to have sex and then leave. They basically get to feel like they are worth something more than the sex they have to offer, because here is this guy who is so sweet and all that crap who doesn't want to fuck them (they think).
Material Reasons:
Some people are just users, and 'will use any scumbag for whatever I want....that just makes me smarter than you.' as one lovely young lady put it in an email to me. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone who will go get you coffee and go to a movie with you so you don't have to go alone. So there are material benefits to certain intellectual whores as well.
A Few Common Types of Intellectual Pimps To Look Out For
There are undoubtedly more archetypes than this one, but here are a few of the major ones to look for.
1. The Hot Woman:
This is a woman who knows that she is attractive and that guys want to fuck her. She probably has a boyfriend or a stable of steady Outlaw Biker fucks. You were probably trying to fuck her and got tossed onto the friend ladder.
Advantages as Intellectual Pimp: Hot women have busy social lives. Because of this, they are usually not very demanding on an intellectual whore's time. Also, it looks good to be seen with them. Try to get a picture of you with your hot Pimp and then tell other women that was your fiancee who died.
Disadvantages: Because they are used to having their ass kissed, when they do require your time, they are generally more demanding. You'd think they would have hot friends you could go after, but hot women of course see all other hot women as threats and often as not will put you off-limits to their hot friends. Also, if you don't rank highly on her ladder, what makes you think that you'll be high up on the ladder of her hot friends? This usually leads to being around hot women that you still can't fuck.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: Make sure to get your last rites administered before you attempt this ladder jump.
2. The Ugly Friend:
This is a woman that we should all empathize with on some level. This is the woman who has a hot friend. She herself is not hot. This usually leads to guys talking to her so they can try to fuck her friend. Eventually she learns that she can get attention from guys by putting out, since she'll never otherwise get attention when with her hot friend. Of course some guys won't fuck her still because they think it will jeopardize their chances with the hot friend.
Advantages:Not being hot, they are easier to say 'no' to. Also you don't feel so bad about not fucking because you probably
don't want to very much anyway. You can try to fuck the hot friend to amuse yourself.
Disadvantages: Even when you don't want to fuck someone, you still want them to want to fuck you. Many men can't handle the ego blow of a girl they don't find attractive not wanting to fuck them.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: Say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our-Fathers before attempting this jump.
3. The Innocent:
This is a woman who has led a sheltered life, watched too many Sandra Bullock movies, or is just an idealistic soul who refuses to see what is right in front of her.
Advantages: She'll generally not suspenct any nefarious activity from you, and thus is less guarded around you. Since you're such good friends you can initiate a lot of physical contact with her before she gets uncomfortable.
Disadvantages: If she has a boyfriend she's probably actually loyal to him, believing in romantic principles as she does. She probably won't be able to tell you anything useful about how to get a woman off, or will be unwilling to discuss it.
Ladder Jumping Prospects: If she is in a relationship have the last rites administered first. If not, and you sound sincere, say 5 Acts of Contrition, 4 Hail-Mary's and 7 Our-Fathers. If you don't sound convincing, say 10 Hail Mary's and 50 Our Fathers.
Put this in your pipe and smoke it.. Im sure all women do not agree with this. But it is the honest truth in black and white.. So go fuck yourself..