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  #21  
Old 03-17-2007, 01:20 AM
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stromelk stromelk is offline
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
> >>purse
> >>full of money. She wanted to open a savings
> >>account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
> >>because, she
> >>said, she had a lot of money.
> >>
> >>After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
> >>right) an
> >>employee took the elderly woman to the president's
> >>office.
> >>
> >>The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
> >>She
> >>placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The
>pr
> >>esident was
> >>curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
> >>The
> >>elderly woman replied that she made bets.
> >>
> >>The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
> >>
> >>The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
> >>testicles are
> >>square."
> >>
> >>The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
> >>impossible to
> >>win a bet like that.
> >>
> >>The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
> >>said,
> >>Would you like to take my bet?"
> >>
> >>"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
> >>testicles are
> >>not square."
> >>
> >>"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount
>of money
> >>involved,
> >>if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow
> >>morning
> >>with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of
> >>the Bank
> >>confidently.
> >>
> >>That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and
> >>spent a long
> >>time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them
> >>this way
> >>and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive
> >>that no
> >>one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
> >>that there
> >>was no way he could lose the bet.
> >>
> >>The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
> >>the
> >>president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
>
> >>made the
> >>day before that t he president's testicles were square.
> >>
> >>The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made
> >>the day
> >>before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so
> >>that she
> >>and her lawyer could see clearly.
> >>
> >>The president was happy to oblige.
> >>
> >>The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
> >>president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
> >>"Given
> >>the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
> >>
> >>The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
> >>president noticed
> >>that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the
> >>elderly
> >>woman why he was doing
>that and she replied,
> >>"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10
> >>o'clock in the
> >>morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank
> >>of Canada
> >>!"
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  #22  
Old 03-19-2007, 02:29 AM
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that last one brought a tear to my eye! :uknooooow:
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  #23  
Old 03-21-2007, 11:25 PM
newf newf is offline
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>>The Man Test:
>
>>1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
>>A. Lovemaking.
>>B. Screwing.
>>C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
>>
>>2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
>>you've both shared:
>>A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
>>B. Your blood-test results.
>>C. Five tequila slammers.
>>
>>3. You time your orgasm so that:
>>A. Your partner climaxes first.
>>B. You both climax simultaneously.
>>C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.
>>
>>4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>>A. Healthy, creative love-play.
>>B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
>>C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
>>
>>5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
>>A. The best part of the experience.
>>B. The second best part of the experience.
>>C. $100 extra.
>>
>>6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
>>You tell her that it is:
>>A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
>>B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
>>C. A conservative estimate.
>>
>>7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>>A. A myth.
>>B. An oxymoron.
>>C. A moron.
>>
>>8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>>A. Appetizer is to entree.
>>B. Primer is to paint.
>>C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
>>
>>9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
>>saying at the end of a relationship?
>>A. "I hope we can still be friends."
>>B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>>C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
>>
>>10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>>A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
>>B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
>>C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
>>
>>Evaluating Results:
>>If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
>>sure you really are a man.
>>If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
>>little confused.
>>If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
>>
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  #24  
Old 03-22-2007, 10:07 AM
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niko niko is offline
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THAT'S WHY I'M SINGLE LMAO
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  #25  
Old 03-23-2007, 02:03 AM
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stromelk stromelk is offline
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If you think life is bad . . .
>
>
> How would you like to be an egg?
>
>
>
> You only get laid once.
>
>
>
> You only get eaten once.
>
>
>
> It takes four minutes to get hard.
>
>
>
> Only two minutes to get soft.
>
>
>
> You share your box with 11 other guys
>
>
>
> But worst of all..
>
> the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!
>
>
>
> So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!
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  #26  
Old 03-23-2007, 08:56 AM
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cute
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  #27  
Old 03-23-2007, 04:02 PM
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An elderly couple is sitting at the dinner table.
the woman says Oh Honey, i'm getting old,
my hearing is going, my hair is pure white, my boobs sag to my stomach, i have arthiritus in my knees & hands.

the husband looks at her, & quietly says :
at least you still have 20/20 vision
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  #28  
Old 03-26-2007, 01:14 PM
newf newf is offline
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Penis Study
>> > > >>>
>> > > >>>In 1993, the American Government
>> > >funded a study to
>> > > >>>see why the
>> > > >>>head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
>> > > >>>After one year
>> > > >>>and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason
>> > > >>>the head was
>> > > >>>larger than the shaft was to give the man more
>> > > >>>pleasure during sex.
>> > > >>>After the US published the study, France decided to do
>> > > >>>their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of
>>research, they
>> > > >>>concluded that the reason was to give the woman more
>>pleasure
>> > > >>>during sex.
>> > > >>>Newfoundland, unsatisfied with these findings,
>> > > >>>conducted their own study.
>> > > >>>After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2
>> > > >>>cases of beer, they
>> > > >>>concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from
>> > > >>>flying off and hitting him in the
>> > >forehead.
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  #29  
Old 03-27-2007, 09:25 PM
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> A Newfie goes into a Tim Horton's in Gander and notices
>>>there's a
>>> >>> > "Roll Up The Rim To Win" Contest going on.
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > So, he rolls it up and starts screaming, "I've won a motor
>>>home!
>>> >>> > I've won a motor home"!
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > The girl at the counter says, "That's impossible.
>>> >>> > The biggest prize is a car".
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > But the person keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home!
>>> >>> > I've won a motor home!"
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > Finally, the manager comes over and says, "I'm sorry, but
>>>you're
>>> >>> > mistaken.
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we
>>>didn't have
>>> >>> > that as a prize!"
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > The person says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor
>>>home!"
>>> >>> > So he hands the cup to the manager, and he reads.
>>> >>> > W I N A B A G E L
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> >
>>> >
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  #30  
Old 03-27-2007, 09:25 PM
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> A Newfie goes into a Tim Horton's in Gander and notices
>>>there's a
>>> >>> > "Roll Up The Rim To Win" Contest going on.
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > So, he rolls it up and starts screaming, "I've won a motor
>>>home!
>>> >>> > I've won a motor home"!
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > The girl at the counter says, "That's impossible.
>>> >>> > The biggest prize is a car".
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > But the person keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home!
>>> >>> > I've won a motor home!"
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > Finally, the manager comes over and says, "I'm sorry, but
>>>you're
>>> >>> > mistaken.
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we
>>>didn't have
>>> >>> > that as a prize!"
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> > The person says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor
>>>home!"
>>> >>> > So he hands the cup to the manager, and he reads.
>>> >>> > W I N A B A G E L
>>> >>> >
>>> >>> >
>>> >
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