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  #1  
Old 11-23-2006, 08:44 PM
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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for
the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband
says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He
never heard the shot.
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2006, 08:45 PM
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions. "Onions?" Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." A Christmas tree?" Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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  #3  
Old 11-24-2006, 06:27 PM
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Old 12-01-2006, 11:31 AM
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Snoring






These four friends went on vacation together. To save money, they
decided
to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he
snored
so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him
the
whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
happened
to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him
all

night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing



hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to

you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I just
watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player;

a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy

tailed. "Good morning," He said. They couldn't believe it! They said,
"Man,
what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all
night.
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  #5  
Old 12-02-2006, 01:28 AM
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Jmoneyz405 Jmoneyz405 is offline
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Im just another person in America trying to make a living for my family. If it takes doing something illegal to do so then so be it. Im not a murderer, Im not a rapist, Im not a thief, Im not a child molester. Im simply someone who enjoys smoking great pot....is that really so bad?


Everything is better with a bag of weed.
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  #6  
Old 12-04-2006, 02:09 AM
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whats the difference in a prositute and a drug dealer???












a prositute can wash her crack and sell it again..
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Old 12-06-2006, 07:58 AM
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Whats the hardest part of a sex change operation ?

























Sewing in the Anchovie's.
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  #8  
Old 12-07-2006, 06:38 AM
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>>>> >> >>CHRISTMAS STORY

>>>> >> >> 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
>>>> >> >> He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
>>>> >> >> Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a
>>>> good mind to scrap the whole works!
>>>> >> >> I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
>>>> >> >> Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
>>>> >> >> The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
>>>> >> >>The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
>>>> >> >> Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
>>>> >> >> Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
>>>> >> >> And just when I thought that things would get better
>>>> >> >> Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
>>>> >> >> They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny
>>>> >> >> Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
>>>> >> >> And the kids these days--they all are the pits
>>>> >> >> They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
>>>> >> >> I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
>>>> >> >> Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
>>>> >> >> I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
>>>> >> >> They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!
>>>> >> >> Flying through the air...dodging the trees
>>>> >> >> Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
>>>> >> >> I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
>>>> >> >> I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
>>>> >> >> There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
>>>> >> >> I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
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Old 03-14-2007, 02:11 AM
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The daughter said that her hands were cold. The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"
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Old 03-14-2007, 02:28 AM
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LOL Good one
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