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  #11  
Old 03-14-2007, 08:31 AM
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niko niko is offline
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ain't that the truth
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  #12  
Old 03-14-2007, 11:56 AM
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Uncle Who???

Little girl answers the phone, "Hello?"
> > >> >>> >>>>"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Ask Mommy to come to the phone."
> > >> >>> >>>>"She can't, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with
> > >>Uncle
> > >> >>> >>>>Paul.and the
> > >> >>> >>>>door is shut."
> > >> >>> >>>>After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't
> > >>got
> > >> >>>an
> > >>
> > >>> >>>>Uncle
> > >> >>> >>>>Paul."
> > >> >>> >>>>The girl replies, "Oh yes I do, Daddy, and he's up there
> > >>in
> > >> >>>the
> > >> >>> >>>>bedroom
> > >> >>> >>>>with Mommy."
> > >> >>> >>>> >Brief Pause.
> > >> >>> >>>>"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the
> > >>phone
> > >> >>>down
> > >> >>> >>>>on
> > >> >>>the
> > >> >>> >>>>table, run upstairs and knock loudly on the bedroom door,
> > >> >>>open it
> > >> >>> >>>>and
> > >> >>> >>>>shout, "Mommy, Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
> > >> >>>
> > >>>>"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
> > >> >>> >>>> >A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the
> > >> >>>phone. "I
> > >> >>> >>>>did it,
> > >> >>> >>>>Daddy."
> > >> >>> >>>>"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
> > >> >>> >>>>Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
> > >>clothes
> > >> >>>on
> > >> >>> >>>>and ran
> > >> >>> >>>>around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
> > >>head
> > >>
> > >> >>>on
> > >> >>> >>>>the
> > >> >>> >>>>dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
> > >> >>> >>>>"Oh my God! What about Uncle
> >Paul?"
> > >> >>> >>>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was
> > >>all
> > >> >>> >>>>scared
> > >> >>>and
> > >> >>> >>>>he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming
> > >>pool,
> > >> >>>but
> > >> >>> >>>>I guess
> > >> >>> >>>>he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
> > >>clean
> > >> >>>it.
> > >> >>> >>>>He hit
> > >> >>> >>>>the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
> > >> >>> >>>> >***Long Pause***
> > >> >>> >>>> >***Longer Pause***
> > >> >>> >>>> >***Even Longer
> > >>Pause***
> > >>
> > >>> >>>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? .. Is this 869-5731?"
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>> >>>>
> > >> >>>
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  #13  
Old 03-14-2007, 11:58 AM
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stromelk stromelk is offline
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Laugh Of The Day

>>>An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would
>>>>behave if
>>>>she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it
>>>>shouldn't be a
>>>>problem, that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay
>>>>there.
>>>>
>>>>She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her
>>>>shoulder
>>>>and went off to church. Just as everyone quieted down and the
>>>>sermon began,
>>>>the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold
>>>>in
>>>>here!"
>>>>
>>>>Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in
>>>>total
>>>>embarrassment! The next day she returned to the pet store and
>>>>explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner
>>>>offered the
>>>>following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by
>>>>the legs and
>>>>swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder.
>>>>
>>>>So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and sure
>>>>enough,
>>>>just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "its goddamned
>>>>cold in
>>>>here!"
>>>>Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him
>>>>around 5
>>>>times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his
>>>>head,
>>>>ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fucking windy, too!
>>>
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  #14  
Old 03-14-2007, 07:40 PM
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keep em coming
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  #15  
Old 03-15-2007, 12:51 AM
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>>>> Two Newfies, Jarge and Eli, were adrift in a lifeboat.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Jarge stumbled
> >>>across
> >>> >>> an
> >>> >>>> old
> >>> >>>> lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
> >>>not
> >>> >>> the
> >>> >>>> standard three.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> Jarge immediately blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into Molson
> >>> >>> Canadian
> >>> >>>> beer.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
> >>> >>> the
> >>> >>>>
> >>>sea
> >>> >>>> turned into beer and the genie vanished.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as
> >>>the
> >>> >>> two
> >>> >>>> men considered their circumstances.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> Eli looked disgustedly at Jarge whose wish had been granted.
> >>> >>>>
> >>> >>>> After a long, tension-filled moment Eli said, "Nice going Jarge!
> >>> >>> .
> >>> >>>> Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
> >>> >>>
> >>> >>>
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  #16  
Old 03-15-2007, 07:30 AM
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How does a priest get a Nun pregnant?

















Dress her up as a alter boy...
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  #17  
Old 03-16-2007, 01:25 AM
newf newf is offline
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A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada

~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low .

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alberta

~~~

Newfoundland

~~~

Saskatchewan

and

B.C.

~~~

..

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

OTTAWA
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  #18  
Old 03-16-2007, 03:12 AM
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Paddy & Mick worked together in St. John's,
> >>Newfoundland
> >> > >and were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
> >> > >When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da
> >> > >elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs"
> >> > >
> >> > >The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and
> >> > >finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80.00 a week
> >> > > unemployment pay. Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation,
> >> > >replied,"Diesel Fitter"
> >> > > Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave
> >>Mick$160.00
> >> > > a week.
> >> > >
> >> > > When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into
> >> > >the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting
> >>double
> >> > >his pay.
> >> > > The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and
> >>Diesel
> >> > >Fitter's are skilled labour"
> >> > > What skill? Yelled Paddy. " I sew da elastic on da panties
> >>and
> >> > >tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "
> >> > > Yep ,diesel fitter!"
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  #19  
Old 03-16-2007, 03:15 AM
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.
> After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound
asleep.
> Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo
Sabe, Look
> towards sky, what you see?"
> The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
> "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
> The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
> speaking, It tells me there are millions of galaxies and
potentially
> billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is
in Leo.
> Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the
> morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and
we
> are small and insignificant.
> Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow.
> What's it tell you, Tonto?" Tonto is silent for a moment, then
says,
> "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than Buffalo shit. It means someone stole
tent."
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  #20  
Old 03-16-2007, 09:18 PM
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Hell no keep them coming, some days its the only time I smile...

One day in hell three guys arrived at the same time--a Mexican, an Irishman, and
a Black guy. Now Satan, being a bit of a gambler, offered the three a chance to
escape eternal punishment. "Do you see that ladder over there? If you can climb
up before I grab your dick, it leads to Heaven and you'll be free." So the
Mexican guy tries first. He gets a running start and climbs as fast as he can.
But, Satan being supernaturally swift, grabs the poor guys dick and the heat
melted him into a puddle of goo! The Irishman thinks to himself, i can climb
faster than that! So he takes off, and he IS faster than the Mexican, but Satan
of course is faster, and melts him by grabbing his dick. Now its the Black guys
turn, and he calmly starts walking to the ladder like he's on a Sunday stroll in
the park! Satan is so amazed that he almost forgets to grab his dick, but gets
even more confused when the Black guy doesn't melt! At the top of the ladder,
the Black guy looks down and says, "It melts in your mouth, not in your hand"
and takes the last step into Heaven.
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